Uncle Pete’s Proven Personals

Lonely? Looking for love?

Uncle Pete’s got the solution for you!

Some see internet personal ads as an unpleasant or ineffective way to find a spouse. I disagree – I believe that no greater way of finding love has ever been devised throughout the entire history of mankind. They allow you to put yourself out there in an interesting, dynamic way, and let the dates roll in. Some of you might say, “but I don’t know how to write a good one!” Don’t worry, Uncle Pete’s gonna help you out. Here are a few personal ads I’ve posted online that have proven to be greatly fruitful. I have gone on an estimated 9ooo dates in the last 18 months using these. Use them wisely!


Greetings – I am nearly 8 feet tall. My hands are roughly the size of an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper. I am, by any reasonable standard, an inhuman freak of nature. I enjoy dabbling in arts and crafts, but my fingers are too large to grip the required tools. Please call me (immediately, if possible). One final note: I am currently bleeding from my mouth and ears.


Some have said that it is foolish to spend 6 months floating on an innertube in the Baltic Sea. I have proven those people wrong by doing so. I am currently writing this while floating adrift with just me, my innertube, my laptop, and my wireless connection. I recently encountered a gang of pirates who stole all my other clothes and belongings before punching me in the mouth and throwing me overboard. I have my days when I feel lonely and/or brutally cold. This is where you come in. Please rescue me. I will reward you with a series of dates in which I will be charming and engaging. I will purchase the finest flowers for you and my eyes will sparkle. Time is of the essence in this matter, as my body has recently become wracked with spasms due to my enormous salt ingestion. I look forward to meeting you!


Falling asleep is my favorite part of the day, because in that moment I am finally released from my anger.

I also like cats.


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12 Responses to Uncle Pete’s Proven Personals

  1. Adam says:

    Hello. I am 5 foor 11 inch diaper wearer and looking for someone to change me.

  2. Geof says:

    Liars go to hell, Peter.

  3. MJ says:

    Adam, Don’t have someone change you, I like you the way you are.

  4. Rhonda says:

    Once again, the way your mind works is a bit disturbing. And I knew you were looking for internet love.

  5. Carla Jean says:

    Uncle Pete, I’m looking for a nice man who isn’t from the internet, isn’t long distance and isn’t a Bama Boy. Can you help me?

    Ah well… it was worth asking. :)

  6. Drewy says:

    Hmm, what about me? Umm, my roommate is part of a band! It’s him and this other guy and they really rock out! They have a CD and even some fans! So if you want to get that much closer to a rock star, go on a date with me! I promise that by the 2nd or 3rd date you can see my roommate, and if you let me kiss you, I’ll even have him talk to you! So contact me soon, as he my decide he doesn’t want to be in the band anymore!

  7. peter says:

    As Drewy’s roommate, I fully support his dating scheme.

    And Carla Jean, I can recommend plenty of not-particularly-Wild at Heart guys from up here, if that’s what you’re looking for. ;)

  8. SillyJoe says:

    I’m a big flat blob of sweet lovin’.

    Angry people need not apply.

  9. Scotty Poppenjaw says:

    I agree Peter. There is no greater way of finding true love than the internet. I saw this movie once called “You’ve got Mail” so I know it’s not one of those made up things that doesn’t really work. Besides as soon as I get enough money I’m going to buy myself a wife from an online buy a wife site I found.

    She still has most of her original teeth, and hair!!! So I’ve got that going for me.

  10. SillyJoe says:

    You’ve Got Mail is the single greatest piece of modern cinema. It cannot be denied. It’s even better than Spaceballs.

  11. Carla Jean says:

    Did I MENTION that You’ve Got Mail is one of my favorite movies? ‘Cause it is.

    Peter… that whole “from up here” thing kinda gets in the way of avoiding long distance relationships.

    As does that whole “I don’t want a Bama Boy” thing.

    I’m screwed.

  12. little bear says:

    michaela’s right. you ARE funny.

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