Lonely? Looking for love?
Uncle Pete’s got the solution for you!
Some see internet personal ads as an unpleasant or ineffective way to find a spouse. I disagree – I believe that no greater way of finding love has ever been devised throughout the entire history of mankind. They allow you to put yourself out there in an interesting, dynamic way, and let the dates roll in. Some of you might say, “but I don’t know how to write a good one!” Don’t worry, Uncle Pete’s gonna help you out. Here are a few personal ads I’ve posted online that have proven to be greatly fruitful. I have gone on an estimated 9ooo dates in the last 18 months using these. Use them wisely!
Greetings – I am nearly 8 feet tall. My hands are roughly the size of an 8 1/2 x 11 sheet of paper. I am, by any reasonable standard, an inhuman freak of nature. I enjoy dabbling in arts and crafts, but my fingers are too large to grip the required tools. Please call me (immediately, if possible). One final note: I am currently bleeding from my mouth and ears.
Some have said that it is foolish to spend 6 months floating on an innertube in the Baltic Sea. I have proven those people wrong by doing so. I am currently writing this while floating adrift with just me, my innertube, my laptop, and my wireless connection. I recently encountered a gang of pirates who stole all my other clothes and belongings before punching me in the mouth and throwing me overboard. I have my days when I feel lonely and/or brutally cold. This is where you come in. Please rescue me. I will reward you with a series of dates in which I will be charming and engaging. I will purchase the finest flowers for you and my eyes will sparkle. Time is of the essence in this matter, as my body has recently become wracked with spasms due to my enormous salt ingestion. I look forward to meeting you!
Falling asleep is my favorite part of the day, because in that moment I am finally released from my anger.
I also like cats.