The Bearded Duke

I’m really bad at shaving.

For some reason, I’ve never really seemed to be able to shave properly. Either I cut myself or I miss a spot, or I’ll avoid both of those pratfalls while still experiencing horrible pain. It isn’t pleasant, and for that reason I generally only shave once or twice a week and display my stubble as a sign of virility.

Last weekend after I shaved it looked like I had just gotten done making out with a mountain cat. There were cuts all over my chin, and I was bleeding everywhere. I felt cheated, however, as sucking face with a mountain cat would probably have been more enjoyable than simply taking a shaving razor and cutting myself open. Granted, the cat’s whiskers might have tickled a bit, and there likely wouldn’t have been much of an emotional involvement, but it still would be pretty awesome.

At any rate, as I was sopping up the crimson blood that now covered my sink and bathroom floor, I pledged to myself that I would shave no more. Instead, I will grow a thick, filthy beard. I will proudly walk with my chin up to better display the tangled bush that hides my face. My beard will be home to several field mice who were orphaned in a mining accident; I will nurse them back to health as they lay nestled beneath my chin. Then, to complete my makeover, I will change my name to The Duke and begin wearing a top hat and monacle. I will tip my hat to passing ladies and politely offer the time of day to anybody who asks. People will complement me on my nappy facial hair and I will flip a two-bit piece to them with a wink and a smile.

Yes, it’s good being The Duke. Just ask my old friends Dan Haggerty and Uncle Jesse.

Peter's New Friends

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6 Responses to The Bearded Duke

  1. Geof says:

    Look. If this is a crack on bearded men, I’ll be there in 18 hours to kick your ass, Welle!

    ;)

  2. peter says:

    Geof- truth be told, I don’t know what the hell this post was about.

  3. the_steve says:

    i hate shaving too….i’m considering some kind of home-experiment gene therapy to permanently bald my face…

    of course, i could get a gene swapped out wrong, and end up with a hand growing out of my left cheek….and i don’t know that that would be very useful at all….especially since i wouldn’t have to shave anymore…

  4. Leviticus 14:9
    On the seventh day he must shave off all his hair; he must shave his head, his beard, his eyebrows and the rest of his hair. He must wash his clothes and bathe himself with water, and he will be clean.

  5. alisa says:

    please keep shaving! ;)

  6. *tami* says:

    i feel exactly the same about my legs. if only i had to shave my face – i’d save a whole 5 min at least! you are lucky, The Duke.

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