Throwing Them Off The Scent

There’s a girl who I work with who won’t leave me alone.

This girl (who we’ll call “B”) insists on getting my attention somehow every time she passes by my cubicle, which averages about 25 or 30 times a day, it seems. Even if she’s 15 feet away, she’ll still say, “Hey Peter!” and wave until I acknowledge her. Today she thought it was amazing that we each wore jean jackets to work, I replied by saying, “We’re twins”, and she laughed hysterically for 10 minutes. Recently she passed by my desk and asked how I was doing – as a friendly joke I replied, “I’m lonely.” She laughed and went back to her desk and wrote me this email:

“I just wanted to pinch your cheeks when you said that. It was soooooooooo cute!”

It was among the more awkward emails I’ve ever received from a co-worker.

I should clarify that I’m not mean to this girl, I just feel a bit unenthusiastic about our friendship. Her seemingly overwhelming desire to become my good friend (and more) has made me suspicious – it’s like Groucho Marx’s old quote, “I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.”

I’ve been trying to find some opportunity to drop the girlfriend bomb on her to throw her off the scent, but I haven’t had the chance to yet. I’ve thought about saying, “Hey B, your annoying giggle reminds me of my girlfriend and how she doesn’t annoy me,” but I haven’t had the opportunity. I might also try, “Wow B, being around you reminds me of my girlfriend and how I’m actually attracted to her”, but again that seemed a bit overly mean (not that that has ever stopped me before).

Any ideas on what I should do? Should I continue being innocuously nice to B in hopes that she’ll grow weary? Should I insult her in a memo? Should I get a huge picture of Bridgette and put it in a frame that says, “THIS IS MY GIRLFRIEND!” and place it on her desk? Would that be too subtle?

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25 Responses to Throwing Them Off The Scent

  1. Scotty PoppenJaw says:

    I think it’s obvious. You just need to bring her flowers and a box of candy. Girls hate that.

    Oh, and don’t forget to comment on how nice her shoes are everyday. Apparently that’s another big turn off.

  2. Dr. S says:

    Convince a male coworker to make out with you in the break room.
    You may have to do it several times before she actually walks in on you.

  3. peter says:

    Dr. S-
    That comment has been nominated for my “Best Comment Ever” award.

    Well done.

  4. Dr. S says:

    Wait a minute… Adam is one of your coworkers, isn’t he?

  5. Jamie says:

    Peter-

    invite her out.

    say “B we jsut get along so well at work, I wanted to know if you would like to go out sometime with my girlfriend and I… maybe we could double date”

    bet that would work

  6. Mare says:

    Have you seen “how to lose a guy in 10 days” with your girlfriend yet, Peter? Get this girl a love fern.

  7. Jamie says:

    I LOVE that movie!

  8. peter says:

    I do not know this movie. Please tell me more about zees so culled “love fern”.

  9. Mare says:

    The premise of the movie: the girl has to start going out with a guy and then try to get him to break up with her before 10 days pass. She does all the typical annoying things girls do that guys hate: act clingy, pack his place with teddy bears and flowery quilts, breaks in on his guys poker night and makes “healthy” food for his dudes and blows his nose for him in front of them at the poker table, buys matching outfits for them to wear…she also gives him a baby “love fern” to reflect the state of their relationship: tender, in need of delicate care and nurture. You’ll have to see the movie to learn what happens with the love fern.

    You could use this same tactic: be as annoying as possible so she will not ever want to date you…

  10. Geof says:

    The simple solution is office gossip about your girlfriend.

    This is Adam’s true purpose in life. Slip him a $10 and the deed should be done.

  11. Dr. S says:

    You could just email her the link to this post.

  12. Have Bridgette come in and tell her, “If I ever see you talking to my boyfriend I will f**king punch your heart out!”

  13. MJ says:

    I’d keep her waiting in the wings in caser this Bridgette thing doesn’t work out.

  14. *tami* says:

    i like your thinking, dr s. you are so sick and twisted and that is sooooooo cute.

    oh, and peter, i wore a jean jacket to work today too! we are soul mates!!! i guess i should inform my fiance immediately.

    so to tell this chick that you are off the market — i’m sure she asks you every weekend what you are going to do. just say, “i’m going out with my girlfriend.” duh.
    if she doesn’t ask (which would amaze me. this is standard girlspeak for ‘why don’t you ask me out for this weekend?’), then you could ask what she was doing, which she would answer and then reciprocate the question. geez! men! do i have to teach you how to manipulate *every* situation?

  15. *tami* says:

    oh, and i won’t make you watch the movie. i’ll just give you my favorite quote: “you killed our love fern.

    oh, and my other favorite is, “ my boyfriend thinks i’m fat. i can’t eat in front of you. i can’t eat in front of you!”

  16. peter says:

    Tami – Thank you for your sarcasm-laden advice ;)

    And Jealous A-hole, I like your philosophy. I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

  17. Adam says:

    Dood, Peter give me ten bucks! I will make you look so whipped and tied down no one will ever talk to you again!

  18. Scotty PoppenJaw says:

    Peter why don’t you star placing wedding magazines on your desk. She’ll have to ask then. BTW I haven’t received my invitation yet.

  19. alisa says:

    you have a girlfriend?!

  20. scott says:

    here are two options:

    1) tell B mother’s day is coming up and you want to know what to get her because she reminds you of your mom

    2) ask B some advice on what to do with your g/f one weekend. ‘i’ve dated her for so long and we’ve done so many things, do you have any suggestions?’

  21. B says:

    Okay, Peter. I get the message. Very funny. Very passive agressive.
    I still thought it was hysterically cute when you said you were lonely.

  22. peter says:

    lol, nice try Dirksen. You almost made me piss my pants there.

    *phew*

  23. Carla Jean says:

    Alisa’s apparently out of the loop.

  24. alisa says:

    thanks Carla. What a pal.

  25. Michaela says:

    I think you just need to post her picture as your computer wallpaper. Even better, try one of the two of you in a loving embrace. That’s move number one.

    Number two, make sure there are always notebooks around the computer. While you are on the phone, scribble things like “Peter *heart* Bridgette 4-Ev-A” and “I LOVE Bridgette” and maybe even a lot of “Peter *WhateverBridgettesLastNameIs”.

    Three, make a lipstick heart on your computer screen. Tell her your girlfriend drew it there when she popped in, to remind you of her at all times.

    Four, spray girlfriend’s perfume around. It doesn’t actually have to be hers, of course, B will never know the difference. Tell her that you spray it at least 5 times (usually during Muslim prayer times), every time you REALLY miss her.

    Five, Bring a laundry basket full of her clothes to work. After sitting down in the chair, dump all said clothes all over yourself. Explain again it has to do with the smell of her.

    Six…Last resort, but effective: actually dress in girlfriends clothes. This works best if you use all the other 5 steps as well.

    I think she’ll get the idea.

    I know. You can thank me (in cash) later.

    The last one will TOTALLY do the trick.

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