Grass Baths

Is there any better fragrance at this time of year than the smell of freshly mowed grass?

As I left my work building for my lunchbreak yesterday, they were mowing the lawn and when I smelled those blades of grass being sliced unmercifully in twain I was overwhelmed with summertime emotion and nostalgia. I wanted to go hang out with high school friends and play pranks, I wanted to get a call from a girl that I liked, I wanted to go watch a baseball game and get loaded and start haggardly screaming alienating things to the players: “I HATE YOU, RADKE!!! YOUR CHANGEUP IS WORTHLESS AND YOU STOLE MY GIRLFRIEND!!!!”

Yes, smelling that mowed grass reminded me of all the good things in life.

I resolved that I wanted to smell this aroma at all times, so I went out with a garbage bag collecting the shorn grass, along with other summertime items like twigs and chipmunks. I bundled all of this into two large bags and took them home with me. I sat down naked in the bathtub and dumped my fragrant treasure into the tub with me. I layed for quite a long time, letting the nasty yard essence seep into my pores. The chipmunks tickled as the scratched and bit me, struggling for survival. Eventually, they either fell asleep or suffocated because they stopped moving. I tried to wash my hair in the grass, but had difficulty working up a good lather, so I used some BBQ sauce to moisten it up a bit and then applied the grass and twigs before rinsing.

As I left the tub mutilated with bloody cuts and scratches, I knew that I had been renewed. Winter was now over, and summer could properly begin. While applying salve and homemade stitches to my torn skin, I thanked mother nature for her bounty. After vomiting neon green grass residue I tipped my hat to the big man in the sky, knowing that he had made me the luckiest man alive.

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7 Responses to Grass Baths

  1. Adam says:

    LOL!!!! I fooking cried while read this post.

    Oh, and I am so glad you used the word “haggard” again. That makes me so happy inside that I don’t feel lonely anymore.

  2. "Sandy" says:

    Was the salve homeade as well?

  3. Sarah says:

    Did you ever find out what happened to the chipmunks?

  4. Adam says:



  5. peter says:

    The chipmunks all died a grotesque death.

    Thanks for asking.

  6. Michaela says:

    This could very well be my favorite post ever.

    Course, I have a new one every week.

    I still hate your blog, because it makes mine look like shite.

  7. Sarah says:




    Thanks for the depressing comment of the day.

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