Junior High Sadists

Is there anything more cruel and sadistic than junior high swimming class?

“Well children, I know that your young bodies are developing and growing in new areas, and that your physical development has reached its most awkward and horrific stage. Having said that, I’d like all of you to get into these filthy, school-issued swimsuits and then present yourselves to the other boys and girls in our class. Now I’m also aware that certain parts of young boys bodies have minds of their own at this age, and that the skin-tight swimming trunks we’re issuing you will only serve to horrify your peers and further humiliate and scar you, but this is the price we pay for proper physical education.”

“Very good. I see that all of you have properly changed into your swimwear. Your boney, uncoordinated limbs and sallow skin are now revealed for all your classmates to see. Please note that everybody is looking at you and judging you while I speak. You will also see that there is no comfortable position for you to place your arms, so I would suggest using them to cover your genitalia, as most of you have already done instinctively.”

“For today’s class, we’re all going to get in the water and do a few rudimentary swim excercizes. We will then heighten the level of awkwardness by having all of you observe each other getting out of the pool. You will likely remember these terrible moments for the rest of your lives. You will then return to your respective locker rooms, disrobe, and take a shower under adult supervision. There is, of course, no reason for an adult to observe you taking a shower, other than for the sheer cruelty of it.”

“Okay, let’s get started!”

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17 Responses to Junior High Sadists

  1. Guy Incognito says:

    My mom bought me a pair of red swim trunks for junior high swim class (we didn’t have school-issued ones, thank God). Anyway, she must’ve gotten them at K-Mart or something because they weren’t totally colorfast. After getting out of the pool the first day, the color began to run, and I had pink streak stained legs for days. Also, when we got out of the pool, the teacher made us sit on some bleachers while she talked about crap. I left a big pink ass stain on the bleachers. It might still be there.
    Actually, now that I think about it, this may not have been totally the swim trunk’s fault. It may have been the fact that the school’s pool water was approximately 8 parts chlorine to 1 part water.

  2. Adam says:

    I hated going to Math class after swiming. Your hair was always wet and disheveled and everyone new that you had been in the pool. There was much snickering in those days.

  3. Jeff H says:

    What kind of messed up school system has *swimming* in Junior High???

    Man, I thought my middle school years we’re screwed up, but if I had to take a swimming class, too, well, that would have taken it to a whole new level.

  4. Mr. Vonhausen says:

    I prefer to eat apples while I supervise the boys’ showers.

  5. peter says:

    That Mr. Vonhausen comment is completely accurate, by the way (the comment was made by a friend of mine from high school). It was seriously disturbing.

  6. dave says:

    Forced awkwardness. There’s nothing like it.

  7. KG says:

    One thing slightly worse than this, is the 8th grade girls “scholiosis testing.” Maybe you boys can’t quite understand this. But maybe a female reader has a similar emotional scar?

    I went to a large middle school. We had the entire group of 8th grade girls in the locker room with the nurse. All of us had to line up in front of our respective lockers, shirts off, waiting to bend over and touch the floor while a strange woman runs her hand up your back with her bony cold hand.

    By the way, the bending ass-up occurred at the CENTER of the locker room, just to be sure that all the popular skinny girls that had modest chests could see the terrifying bulging and awkward goose flesh squash out the sides of the less favorably developed girls.

  8. Nancy R. says:

    Try being the only chunky kid in your entire class. I can only thank God we moved after only one semester of tortue. I would go home crying during the entire swimming season. OUCH. At my new school, I was excused from swimming because I arrived within 2 days from the end of the unit. Luckily, I was enrolled in all the advanced mathematics courses, made tons of friends and became respected by my peers…never to be teased again.

  9. Adam says:

    KG, that is awful!

  10. Kari says:

    Swimming?! We had no swimming in middle school or high school. And I am thanking every god I know for that after reading this.

    (We did have scoliosis tests, though.)

  11. Geof says:

    I am with Jeff and Kari. First lutefisk, now junior high swimming? Sure, you guys have hockey and ice fishing, but now I’m rethinking living in MN for a while.


  12. Get Real says:

    Nancy, You were still teased, advanced mathematics does not exempt you from anything. You obviously were not ap in the game of life.

  13. Get Real says:

    Pete the pedephile (or however you spell it)

  14. mb says:

    I went to a small enough school to where I didn’t have swimming classes. *Thanks God* :-)

  15. It MUST be a Yankee thing. In junior high down here, they make the boys in 8th grade take a hunter’s safety course. It is required to pass the PE class.

  16. Nancy R. says:

    OUCH!! Gees’ I was just kiddin’. Don’t matter much what you say. I feel addequate in the game of life. I mean I do make 8.5 and hour at my job!! Those ap classes really paid off. Big time.

  17. Jason says:

    I consider myself extremely fortunate that my junior high school was very urban and I was one of the very few white people there. This resulted in PE activities more suited for an urban lifestyle, such as Running and Crime Organizing. We had to run a mile nearly everyday, followed by still more hardcore exercise. After months of trying to get the best time, I realized the futility of it and one day walked as slowly as possible. While my friends were celebrating their five and six minute records, I knew I was establishing a record that would stand the test of time: The 56 Minute Mile. Because we didn’t move on to the next exercise till everyone was done, my classmates got to sit in the bleachers and hang out for the entire period. Thus began my status as a local hero…

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