The CNN Vortex

On Sunday morning, I woke up at about 8:30, and turned on CNN’s coverage of the D-Day’s 60th anniversary and Ronald Reagan’s death.

I sat in my couch watching news coverage until 3 in the afternoon.

I found myself hopelessly lost the CNN Vortex, where talking heads recycle the same small bits of information over and over again, and the same footage is repeated ad infinitum (I believe I saw Reagan say, “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall!” at least 78 times yesterday). In the CNN Vortex, words scrolling across the bottom of the screen are elevated to Gospel truth, and I suddenly find myself having memorized the channel numbers for Fox News, MSNBC, and CNBC. In the CNN Vortex, my emotional walls crumble, and with each passing shot of Ronald and Nancy, or of D-Day vets hugging each other, I grew increasingly misty-eyed. I sat there on my couch, wearing old shorts and a nasty t-shirt, sipping orange juice and crying softly to myself.

Some parts of the CNN Vortex are less comforting and more disturbing. Former Secretary of State James Baker was being interviewed on every conceivable program, and I found myself watching him regale the different hosts with the same anecdotes again and again, all the while becoming mesmerized by the hypnotic, pulsating undulations of his neck fat. I now truly believe that James Baker’s neck fat has it’s own essence – a soul, if you will. After a while, it began to transmit telepathic messages to me, commanding me to eat pudding and forgo exercise for the day. Who was I to say no to the neck fat of a former cabinet member? Eventually, Baker’s neck fat commanded me to address him as Allen. At this point, I decided to take a nap.

I am thankful that I was able to so easily escape the CNN Vortex – it may have consumed a lesser man for days on end. I, however, laughed in the face of the Vortex, and would bravely venture into it again. In fact, I think I might do so again tonight. I’m really starting to miss Allen…