Days of Beer and Alienation

Today I’d like to share a few of my favorite memories with all of you.

In college I met my friend Jeff Boyardee (NOTE: names have been changed to protect the innocent). He and I shared the same love of alienation and awkwardness. Jeff Boyardee’s abilities to conjure discomfort were more powerful than mine, and we would regularly go through elaborate steps just to create alienating moments. One time was particularly enjoyable – Jeff Boyardee was friends with a very sweet, nice girl named Caileen. Caileen was the kind of girl who volunteered to cut his hair while showing him “Pride and Prejudice”. Well, one afternoon, we knew that she was coming over and bringing along some old friends of hers to introduce to Jeff Boyardee and me. She had been telling them how funny and friendly we were, and we were hell bent on alienating all three of them. When the girls arrived at our dorm room, we had all the lights out except for a single candle in the middle of the room. On the stereo, an album of Gregorian chants was playing obnoxiously loudly. We didn’t acknowledge the girls at all, but just sat on the couch looking down. They came in and tenatively sat down, giggling at first, but as the minutes dragged on the awkwardness grew. Jeff Boyardee and I would speak only in short, pretentious sentances like “Consciousness is vanity.” The girls were confused and annoyed, and Jeff Boyardee and I had a long laugh afterwards.

Another time, we were being interviewed on a campus TV show by an ineffectual Greek gentleman named Thanos Zyngas. Thanos was something of a mascot around campus – always friendly, slightly plump, and beloved by all. He wanted Jeff Boyardee and I on the show to talk about how fun it is to be involved in campus life. I still have the tape of the interview, and to this day I laugh at this moment:

Thanos: “So where would you guys say that your humor comes from?”
Me: (mumbling) “I don’t know…”
Jeff Boyardee: “That’s kind of like asking the grass why it grows, you know?”
Thanos: (smiling) “Yes.”
Jeff Boyardee: “Because the lawn mower’s just going to come and cut it down anyway.”
*awkward silence*

That pretty much sums up my philosophy on life.

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27 Responses to Days of Beer and Alienation

  1. lauren says:

    awesome! why is it so fun to make people feel dumb or awkward. i love making tami feel awkward!

  2. *tami* says:

    did you guys know that lauren is a lesbian?

  3. lauren says:

    you wish i was

  4. *tami* says:

    yes, you are right. dang it! you have figured me out after all these long years.

  5. Rowan A. says:

    Do you still have any Taco Time tapes?

  6. peter says:

    Rowan-
    Yes, I still have those tapes. I don’t really pull them out anymore, unlike the old days when I would force them upon everybody I met. :)

  7. lauren says:

    we all knew it tami. i glad that you have finally come to grips with the fact that you want me. but i’m sorry, it is too late. i am with adam now. and you never really had a chance anyway. so please stay with len because it will never happen.

  8. Geof says:

    I’m just going to laugh at this and go on with my life. ;)

  9. lauren says:

    find a way to post it peter. i’ll be your best friend…

  10. Adam says:

    I think I saw a few episodes of Taco Tim and music videos with Maren in them. Those were the days.

  11. Your_Roommate_Andrew says:

    Trust me he still Plays those tapes, and anything else he’s in for anyone that comes over. As a matter of fact my friends and family always ask me if Peter’s there before they’ll commit to coming over.

    One night I was sleeping in bed and some strange sensation woke me from my sleep, I turned to find Peter sitting in a chair at the side of my bed, with his face about foot from mine. After I screamed he casually just said, ‘So this is pretty awkward huh?’ and I said ‘Yes Peter Yes, it’s pretty damn awkward, and it doesn’t help that all you appear to have on is a little French Maid Outfit that’s about 10 sizes to small for you.’ He mumble something incoherent, and then proceded to take off the Maid outfit until he was standing there in the nude, and then asked ‘How about now? Is this Awkward?’

    Sorry Peter I know I said I wouldn’t ever mention this, but I think people need to understand how much weirder you are at home. Perhaps your friend Kathy is right. Maybe you’re begining to spiral out of control into the pit of alienation.

    Concerned,

    Andrew

  12. lauren says:

    that is the funniest thing i have ever heard in my entire life. peter, you rock my world! tami, watch out, i’m getting ideas!

  13. ted says:

    I remember a couple of overly awkward moments involving our own Kevin Sawyer at a Rock TV writing meetin. What is this Taco Time thing

  14. peter says:

    Taco Time is the name of a TV show that I co-hosted with my friends Niles and Pete for two years in college. Good times.

    And P.S. the French Maid story is a total fabrication (by Todd, I’m guessing).

  15. *tami* says:

    lauren: and yet you would insist that i am the gay one?

  16. *tami* says:

    that reminds me of a story…

    in college one night bo got a hold of this huge pack of mustard from his place of occupation and he went back to his room and did “the mustard dance” to his sleeping room mate. the next morning his room mate asked him if that had really happenned or not and bo said he didn’t know what he was talking about.

    when they were packing up to go home for the year, bo hid the mustard in his suitcase. “but, bo,” i said, “what if the mustard exploded in his suitcase.” he hadn’t thought of that. wish i knew the end of the story.

    haha!

  17. Chrissy says:

    You make me laugh, Peter.

  18. peter says:

    Thank you tami. That was short but pointless.

  19. Your_Roommate_Andrew says:

    Oh Peter, did you really need a disclaimer? I thought for certain that a mysterious person telling embarassing stories to your friends would be just the Awkwardness that you crave. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe you can be phased.

    Todd Huh? Nice try.

    Your Roommate,

    Andrew

  20. *tami* says:

    peter: you’re welcome. pointless stories are my speciality.

  21. Michaela says:

    With those top 3 comments, Tami and Lauren may have become my two new favorute people.

    I’m not a lesbian, though.

  22. Come on now Michaela, you are dating me
    Sooner or later they are all going to meet me & then they will know it is just a ruse…
    In other news, this kind of humour must me an American thing… Sorry dudes.

  23. Michaela says:

    Ruse….wait…so, what, I AM a lesbian? And I don’t know it?!

    I’m so confused.

  24. lauren says:

    michaela- apparantly being and lesbian and not knowing it is very common since *tami* says that i am. and peter must be gay then, according to *tami*’s theory.

  25. lauren says:

    i forgot to add, *tami* hates the Beatles, so that automatically makes her a lesbian and me straight.

  26. *tami* says:

    of course peter is gay!

  27. Michaela says:

    What if I just don’t LIKE the Beatles? I don’t HATE them….

    (daaaamn…)

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