Cereal Commander

I love the cereal aisle.
My boys

Choosing what breakfast cereals to purchase is a very elaborate, painstaking process. I do not take it lightly, and would never think of attempting to sidestep my duty as a cereal consumer. When I arrive at the aisle, I first stroll slowly up and down the aisle. In doing this, I am surveying my troops. I am their commander, like General Patton with a shopping cart. I look my cereal in the eye, and I can immediately tell whether they’re ready to be consumed or if they need a bit more time on the shelf. It’s never easy sending any cereal into the shopping cart – it’s not something I take lightly. I do it, however, because it’s my job, and I want my best cereals on the front lines in my pantry. Some cereals just don’t have what it takes, and probably never will. Quaker Oat Squares, for instance – an utterly worthless, cowardly cereal. I’d send him back home to his momma but the beaurocrats upstairs won’t have it. So for now, Quaker Oat Squares pretends like he’s a real soldier while Honey Nut Cheerios is out there fighting for his life.

I try to put the right combination of men together in these wars. I can’t send Cocoa Krispies and Coco Puffs out into the same shopping cart together – they’d trip all over themselves and likely end up doing themselves in with their own hand grenades, guts and chocolate spilling all over the damn shelves. It’d be a catastrophe. That’s why I’m the general. I’ll send Coco Puffs into the fight with the big ol’ Froot Loops over there, and then send Cinnamon Life in to back them up. Those three together would be a lean, mean fighting machine, and would satisfy the early morning cravings of any person in this fine land of ours. In fact, I went with that very combination yesterday. I have the fullest confidence in those boys.

See this picture in my wallet? It’s of an old box of Cookie Crisp. That box was primed for success – it was fresh, delicious, and it came with a mail-in offer for a Superman wristwatch. I carry this picture because I sent this particular box out there in a battle with nutritous cereals – you know, Total, Grape Nuts and whatnot. Well, apparently the children in this particular household tore ol’ Cookie Crisp apart – they had his guts emptied by noon. It was a damn bloodbath. The kid never stood a chance. I keep his picture with me to remind me of my responsibilities in this aisle. I am not here to play games, the decisions I make affect the A.M. consumption patterns of the entire free world.

And so, my cereals, once more into the breach…

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27 Responses to Cereal Commander

  1. dave says:

    I have never felt more patriotic about breakfast. It really is the most important meal of the day, and I am so thankful for the brave cereals — both hot and cold — that are willing to go out there so I don’t have to. God bless the Cap’n!

  2. stalkergirl says:

    Have you ever noticed that the smell of an orange being peeled nearby smells like Froot Loops??
    …just had to share

  3. Gary says:

    While I think that strategically your view is correct, I believe your tactics are flawed. In the great tradition of Guderian, Rommell and Patton (screw Montgomery), I prefer a battle of maneuver rather than frontal assaults. First, I’ll attack with some Corn Flakes – solid, unflinching veterans of many previous breakfast battles. They have yet to fail me. I may then feint with some Golden Grahams only to enfilade the enemy’s flank with Alpha-Bits. Finally, as the battle has fully developed, I will mobilize my Fruity Pebbles reserve to deliver the coup de grace.

  4. Adam says:

    Frosted Mini Wheats can clean your colon out better than a 9MM.

  5. Rachel says:

    It’s not orange peels that smell like fruit loops, it’s the wetnaps at the payday buffet. I can’t eat anything that smells like something you clean your hands with. Go Golden Grahams!

  6. Your_Roommate_Andrew says:

    Peter,

    Please don’t eat cereal in my bed anymore when I’m not at home. It just plain sucks to find Raisin Bran between the sheets, and then find your self wondering “That is a raisin right?”

    Thanks,

    Andrew

  7. Roger says:

    I’d ask to get Mud N Bugs transferred to your unit. They are much more reliable than Cocoa Krispies or Coco Puffs (which is a little coo-coo), plus they know how to live off the land.

  8. I have two cereals.. frosted flakes.. golden grahams.. these are the cereals that I trust with my life in the breakfast war.. everynow and again though.. when the breaks are beatin the boys.. and they are up against it.. I call in back up.. Fruity Pebbles… he’s cold as hell.. and please dont make any gay comments about his colors.. hell hath no furry like a scorned bowl of mushy wheat and rice colored with artificial food dye products..

  9. Geof says:

    Okay, so the Quaker Oat Squares and I are going to go form a modern-day Maginot Line. All I have to say is, “Bring it, you German scum!”

  10. Adam says:

    The last time I was cruising the cereal isle, I looked at 3 dollor box of Cheerios and said, “You look fine in that uniform you magnificent son of a bitch!”

  11. *tami* says:

    i don’t like cereal.

  12. peter says:

    I’ve never had such testosterone-laden responses before. It’s great!

    Keep ‘em coming boys! Huzzah!

  13. dave says:

    “You call that Krispie?! You soggy frosted son of a flake! What are you? Special K?! You couldn’t Krisp your way out of a wet paper bag! Now get back in that bowl and give me SNAP. I want CRACKLE! POP! MOVE MOVE MOVE!”

  14. Susan says:

    There’s a particular bush that smells JUST like Fruit Loops…

  15. Gary says:

    Quaker Oat Squares are about as effective as the Maginot Line was.. Outdated, easily countered and utterly worthless. World War I thinking in a World War III time. I prefer to go with adaptable, flexible forces. Look at Corn Flakes: Simple but highly adaptable in the face of a nonconventional warfare. Add some blueberries and you’ve changed the complextion of your capabilites. Or strawberries or bananas. Now that is shock and awe..

  16. lauren says:

    lucky charms are the best for war. they are the sirens of cereal. you see the marshmallows and think oh, they’re harmless and sort of nice. you are drawn to their sweetness. but just as you are about to partake, the wheat comes out and attacks. tell me what other cereal can do that, huh, huh, huh?!

  17. stalkergirl says:

    oranges smell like froot loops just from a distance …..never been to a payday buffet..?? and what kind of bush smells like froot loops?? there’s a new topic…..THINGS THAT SMELL LIKE FROOT LOOPS….. anyone else??

  18. Dr. Atkins says:

    Cereal Bad! Full of Carbs! Bacon Good!!!

  19. peter says:

    Gary’s two comments on this thread are among the finest ever. Well done.

    Dr. Atkins, I might suggest that you go back to the drawing board.

  20. Dr. Atkins says:

    Cereal Bad!… Sausage Good?

  21. Gary says:

    Dr. Atkins,

    You are making a fatal mistake in thinking this is one dimensional warfare. What is needed here in this epic epicurean struggle is a “Coalition of the Willing” — a true multi-national force utilizing our joint capabilities. For example: Frosted Flakes with a side of Canadian bacon.. Trix with a side of German sausage.. Dare I say, yogurt with some Mueslix on top? Yes, I dare say it.

  22. Michaela says:

    I don’t really like cereal.

    Except for Grape Nuts.

  23. ted says:

    Once I was walking down the cereal isle and a box of generic corn flakes attacked me. I havent been able to eat cereal since.

  24. Dr. Atkins says:

    I was talking with a box of cereal, (i won’t divulge it’s name) and it told me it joined the army to pay for school, not to fight.

  25. Rachel says:

    Payday Buffet = Great Moon Buffet in St. Paul on Robert St. It’s fun to go there on payday.

  26. IDONTSMELLGOOD says:

    I just wanted to bring to your attention a lesser known soldier happily doing his duty. He is more of a special forces type of cereal, never can he be credited for the magnificent job he does. Most stores have no clue when you ask them about him, and they never will know. He doesn’t get soggy in milk and is always crisp and refreshing… Honey Graham OHs!!! Beautiful in every way. But watch out, these little cluster bombs will blow you away and the temptation is strong to over use them, but when used properly, they are a reliable “ace” up the sleeve.

  27. Pingback: Ochuk’s blog » Blog Archive » The Breakfast of Losers

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