I love the cereal aisle.
Choosing what breakfast cereals to purchase is a very elaborate, painstaking process. I do not take it lightly, and would never think of attempting to sidestep my duty as a cereal consumer. When I arrive at the aisle, I first stroll slowly up and down the aisle. In doing this, I am surveying my troops. I am their commander, like General Patton with a shopping cart. I look my cereal in the eye, and I can immediately tell whether they’re ready to be consumed or if they need a bit more time on the shelf. It’s never easy sending any cereal into the shopping cart – it’s not something I take lightly. I do it, however, because it’s my job, and I want my best cereals on the front lines in my pantry. Some cereals just don’t have what it takes, and probably never will. Quaker Oat Squares, for instance – an utterly worthless, cowardly cereal. I’d send him back home to his momma but the beaurocrats upstairs won’t have it. So for now, Quaker Oat Squares pretends like he’s a real soldier while Honey Nut Cheerios is out there fighting for his life.
I try to put the right combination of men together in these wars. I can’t send Cocoa Krispies and Coco Puffs out into the same shopping cart together – they’d trip all over themselves and likely end up doing themselves in with their own hand grenades, guts and chocolate spilling all over the damn shelves. It’d be a catastrophe. That’s why I’m the general. I’ll send Coco Puffs into the fight with the big ol’ Froot Loops over there, and then send Cinnamon Life in to back them up. Those three together would be a lean, mean fighting machine, and would satisfy the early morning cravings of any person in this fine land of ours. In fact, I went with that very combination yesterday. I have the fullest confidence in those boys.
See this picture in my wallet? It’s of an old box of Cookie Crisp. That box was primed for success – it was fresh, delicious, and it came with a mail-in offer for a Superman wristwatch. I carry this picture because I sent this particular box out there in a battle with nutritous cereals – you know, Total, Grape Nuts and whatnot. Well, apparently the children in this particular household tore ol’ Cookie Crisp apart – they had his guts emptied by noon. It was a damn bloodbath. The kid never stood a chance. I keep his picture with me to remind me of my responsibilities in this aisle. I am not here to play games, the decisions I make affect the A.M. consumption patterns of the entire free world.
And so, my cereals, once more into the breach…