WARNING: This post deals with topics that may be unpleasant or borderline inappropriate for some. Please know that I’m not trying to be gratuitous; I’m merely writing about something that actually occurred. Sorry if it isn’t your thing. Prepare to be alienated. -Peter
My old 8th and 9th grade basketball coach got fired recently. This came as no suprise to those of us who played for him, as he was one of the most profoundly lecherous, insane people I’ve ever come across. For the purposes of concealing his identity, I’ll henceforth refer to him as Jeff Goldblum.
For a pasty 13 year old living in the most white-bread city in America, Jeff Goldblum was incredibly intimidating. He was a 6’7″, African-American man who shouted haggardly at all times, even when having personal, one-on-one conversations. Every now and again, his voice is once again the soundtrack to my nightmares, “PETER! GET IN THERE AND BLOCK OUT, SON!! SHOW SOME MUSCLE!!!” This was shouted during games in small gymnasiums where absolutely everybody could hear him and know exactly who he was yelling at. For a kid like me used to his dad’s passive lectures, it was enough to make me curl up into the fetal position. Funny thing is, he got more out of me than any other coach I’ve ever had. Maybe my boss could take a few cues from him.
Jeff Goldblum was also never one to shy away from a lewd remark. At the time, I remember thinking, “He’s kinda dirty,” but now I look back and can’t believe that a grown man was talking to a group of 13 and 14 year olds the way he was. Jeff Goldblum’s favorite subject of all time was masturbation. He shouted about it incessantly, and with as many variants as his foul mind was able to conjure. No moment of practice was the wrong time to talk about self-gratification, as far as Jeff Goldblum was concerned. I remember one time he famously went off for at least 10 minutes in a slurred grumble about masturbating into a dog’s mouth. You can’t make this up.
My friend Erik was chatting with me yesterday, and he notified me that Jeff Goldblum had been fired for having an inappropriate relationship with a student. When I heard this, I simply wondered how this hadn’t happened earlier. Later in the conversation, we had this exchange:
peter: How exactly was he never fired for talking to 9th graders about masturbating into a dog’s mouth?
erikpiltingsrud: It’s a part of life man. Part of life. How else were we to learn?
So true. How else could I learn about the sick, filthy fetishes of the world? Surely by 9th grade I should have already been taught such things in school. Erik noted that we should be learning these things by 6th grade sex-ed class. I couldn’t disagree with him. Jeff Goldblum was a brave pioneer who was years ahead of his time. Some day educators will look back and see the delicate wisdom that guided his words and actions. They will understand the method to his depraved madness. I feel bad that I ever doubted him. I’m sorry, Jeff Goldblum. I have failed you.
ummm… not sure what to say after that peter. sorry about the tramatization from your youth. maybe one day soon you’ll recover from it. this does help to explain things though.
Sounds like he should be banned from owning animals as well. That’s one guys dog I wouldn’t let lick my face.
Jeff Goldblum is one sick little puppy!
(Sorry, bad choice of words.
)
“but it’s your dog!” sorry, couldn’t help it, quote from RoadTrip. did i just go down on your list because i admitted to seeing that movie? i hope not.
talk about puppy breath ay.. ha.. haha.. ha.. no….
thanks for alienating us all even further with this story peter..
*cue donny osmond*
“and they call it.. puppy looooo ove…)
Peter, this post was super gross. But you redeemed yourself when you used the word “haggard.”
Trey, that was hilarious! I initially felt really skittish about posting something this “blue” but some of these comments have made it worthwhile.
Heck, Peter called in his Weblog-legal-counsel [um, me] to evaluate it.
I thought the best way to deal with how disgusting it was was to make a joke and repress the memory of reading it, putting on my rose-colored glasses (they get a lot of use). Now I’ll have a few sane years before it pops back to the forefront and I split personalities.
Thanks.
Y’all are going to go home today and your moms gonna ask, “Why you so dirty?” And then you say, “Cuz Coach Goldblum jack off all over me.” Heh heh heh.
Though the previous comment is really gross, and probably went too far, it’s pretty much sounds exactly like Goldblum.
oi vay!
okay, could have seriously gone without coach goldblum’s comment. there’s a line… and you just crossed it.
:crossing fingers in hope of this not encouraging him to make more comments:
tami, sorry they had to run one of your fav actor’s name through th mud
In his defense, that comment was made by a high school friend of mine who also played under Goldblum’s tutelage, which gives it a bit more validity.
This blog is now officially condemned by the Liberty University RAs. Thank you.
the sage: do you go to lu?
Looks like *Tami* has found another soul mate. Jerry’s kids gotta stick together.
Goldblum reminds me of my high school’s girls basketball coach. He was single, always hanging out with the girls team, and lived behind the school in a trailer. How this never raised red flags for anyone is beyond me.
Tami: Sage/Mark attended Liberty a while back … or worked there, one. I forget which.
wait, why is jeff goldblum someone’s favorite actor?
Hm.
Interesting.
Amusing, or disturbing, you decide!
It is amazing what kind of wierdos you meed in your childhood that as adults you can’t believe. I remember a guy who used to hang around my suburb, 40 years old, and he used to show 10 year old kids like me extreme pornography! You and me both could have dodged an assault bullet!
Dude, you put a warning before the post? Are you going soft Peter? What gives?
I’m disappointed, Peter. Really.
Yes, I love “meeding” people……
Ah, yes. I still remember when we first “med”.
I now feel awkward admitting that I own a Jeff Goldblum action figure.