Thank you!

I’m sitting at home at the moment, enjoying the first few hours of my 4-day weekend. To be perfectly honest, I don’t really feel much like writing a post at the moment, but I’m pushing myself. You see, the John Larroquette Project is the result of discipline, a repressive workload, and grueling tedium. I wish that I could escape it’s clutches, but it keeps me in it’s grasp. It it my mistress – a cruel, relentless slavedriver who shows no mercy to me. Do you remember that scene in The Passion of the Christ when they whip Jesus for about 35 minutes straight? That’s basically what I experience every day when I write this horsecrap for you people.

The JLP has been very successful in the past few months, I must say. Here’s a chart demonstrating the recent increase in readership:

You can see that JLP readership is soon to reach numbers of staggering proportions. Of course, were that to happen, I would become a slave to the demands of the crowd. I would slowly lose my grip on the original essence of the JLP and try to pander to what the audience demands. This would mean daily essays on the wacky challenges of dating, using the words “alienating” and “haggard” even more often than I already do, and spicing all of this up with uncomfortably bizarre delusional sequences about gutting housecats. Don’t ask me to explain how this is somehow different from what I’m already doing, because it basically isn’t.

So this morning, I suppose I’d like to finish up by thanking all of you who are reading this. I likely don’t know you, and I most certainly don’t wish to get to know you. I have no regard for your profession or personality. You could be damned vegetable for all I care. If I were to meet you, I would likely give you no regard besides spitting on you. You would find me unpleasant and obscene, and my bodily scents would be so pungent that you would most certainly vomit repeatedly. At that point, it is certain that I would punch you in the back of the head while you barf and break your elbows with a hammer. I hope that I’m making my point clear – I hate all of you. If I could physically assault all of you I would, but it is sadly an impossibility. However, I do want to thank you for simply the bar graph go higher by your readership. It means a lot, my friends. Good day.