I celebrated a very patriotic Independance Day on Sunday.
As I gathered with the people of Minneapolis to view the colorful fireworks show, I couldn’t help but get misty eyed at the magnificent display of humanity that surrounded me. Foul-mouthed teens, bare-chested men, and a small but disturbing smattering of the morbidly obese. My heart swelled in my chest knowing that these were my countrymen. These are the voices that run our representative democracy. That pockmarked man with the wispy facial hair who I saw huffing gasoline – his wisdom and street smarts help us elect our leaders. He is as important as ol’ Professor McHuffington sitting uncomfortably next to him.
As the fireworks display began, the emotion stirring within me could no longer be contained. A strange combination of pride, patriotism, and extreme drunkeness swept over me. As onlookers quickly tried to scatter away from me as best they could amidst the crowd, I began to shout, “DOWN WITH THE STAMP ACT!!!! KING GEORGE IS A TYRANT!” Soon, I found myself in an imaginary boxing match with Alexander Hamilton, as we vehemently disputed his Federalist Papers. Hamilton had a powerful left hook, but I eventually subdued him by punching him square in the genitals. As he vomited in agony, I spit in his eye and cursed his notion of a Federal banking system, which has been a scourge on our nation.
By now, I had found myself with plenty of breathing room as people had fled my presence, and mothers began to shield their children’s eyes from me. I took that opportunity to hurriedly eat some acorns I found on the ground while continuing to shout, “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION!! FIFTY-FOUR, FOURTY OR FIGHT!!” The acorns were now causing my gums to bleed and my hair had somehow caught fire by this point. As onlookers screamed in terror, I began aggressively waving a small American flag that I stole from a child before eventually collapsing in pain and rolling down the grassy slope into the Mississippi river.
Merry Christmas, America.
peter: you truly are a psycho.
i’m glad you didn’t go to my church’s thing. that would have been interesting!
oh, and don’t get your feeling hurt from tami’s comment. she says that kind of thing to me all the time. it really means she loves you with a love that, if unleashed, would crush the earth.
Dude…another one for the “Best of”. Your wit (insanity) is an awesome spectacle to behold. Bravo!
Dood this one drew so many guffaws out of me! Best of JLP fo’ sho’
Man, that’s insane! Do you have any idea how many carbs acorns have?!
THIS is what I stand around and keep my hand raised for?.. God.. Im going back to France..
peter.. our fireworks experience was eerily the same.. well I mean.. minus me losing control of my bodily functions and shadow boxing alexander hamilton.. but the drunk men.. and foul mouthed kids.. EXACTLY the same.. eery.. I thought it was just here..
This is exactly why I stay inside my house with the shades drawn and tie firecrackers to the tail of small, boxed-in woodland creatures for the Fourth. I’m free to smear blueberry jam and strawberry preserves all over my body and yell “Don’t tread on me!” every time I hear the boom of fireworks across the river.
Weirdo.
Peter, thanks for not coming to my party on the 4th. Seriously, I really apreciate you staying away.
I had an incredible arial view of the fireworks this year. It really blew away all my previous experiences.
It’s amazing what you can do when you have a Luck Dragon.
A “Neverending Story” reference! Very nice, Stewart!
stewart folly- is your luck dragon named Falkor?
Peter to call a person morbidly obese is wrong. It is not thier fault that they are fat that is fast foods problem. As for the children well blame the movies and video games. The bare chested men…. well I am not sure how but I plan to link them to Adam and blame him for the whole thing
What, Peter and I are the only ones who read The Federalist Papers? What a bunch of nincompoops.
I am the reason people are fat.
adam is phat
No, My luck dragon’s name is Pepe. He’s Falkor’s half brother. (Looks more like a Chihuahua)
how do you fit on him then to fly around if he’s more like a chihuahua?
This was awesome!! Can I spend the 4th with you next year?
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