This weekend I spent some time at my parent’s place, taking care of my family’s dog Bailey. Early Sunday morning, I was awoken by a strange sound. I rolled over to see that Bailey was obsessively licking the metal handles on my dresser. This become more and more unnerving as it went on, and I finally stopped him after he’d been licking intensely for twenty minutes.
Bailey has had this metal fixation for a while now, and it’s always been a bit peculiar. Every now and again we’ll find him licking away at the metal bars on our kitchen stools, or the bed frames, or various wristwatches. He likes the metal. The sight is disconcerting as he becomes so fixated on his licking that he cannot be disturbed or distracted with anything else. There could be a grizzly bear in the house mauling and devouring my family and Bailey would be upstairs licking the bathroom scale, oblivious to it all.
Now, I’m a naturally curious gentleman. I love to broaden my horizons. I wanted to understand what this was all about, and so I got ahold of one of my mother’s cookie sheets and began licking it. I began slowly and tenatively, savoring the smooth texture and the cool feel of the metal against my tongue. I then began to explore more territory with my tongue, making bold strokes against uncharted areas of the cookie sheet, as if I were the Magellan of licking. After putting the newly-moistened sheet back in the drawer, I then searched frantically for another metal item that could satiate my developing tongue lust. I scrurried over to our entry area, got down on my hands and knees and began to lick the door knob. It was perfect – the metal was cool and firm, yet still supple and bulbous. As my licking grew more intense, my dog wanted to join in on the act. We then each took one half of the door knob, licking in unison, and together entering into a realm of ecstacy that can only be reached the brave few who lick metal objects. It’s difficult to transcribe the thoughts that went through my head during these moments, but it went something like this:
“Lick, lick, lick, lick… Continue licking… This tastes so wonderful… Don’t stop licking… Lick faster… Lick, lick, lick…”
This experience has taught me that too often we disregard the wisdom of our housepets. Following the guidance of my dog, I was fortunate enough to enter the gloriously tactile world of licking things.
Up next, I’m going to go take a dump in my yard and then eat it.
I’m so relieved that someone else has tried licking metal. I thought I was all alone.
now i have a huge craving for some metal. good thing my officemate isn’t here. i can lick away in peace!
I personally like to always make sure there’s a box of aluminum foil at my desk, so at any given time I can tear off a sheet and begin chewing it like a stick of gum. The amazing thing is that I can almost blow bubbles now.
Oh, and Peter the Dumping in the yard and eating it thing is way over rated. I’m planning on quitting real soon. As soon as some of the stress that I’m under right now has is out of my life.
I think there’s a Patch I can get to help wean my self off.
I wanted to lick this blog entry but my monitor shocked me (ow).
I’m guessing your dog (and yourself) have some sort of deficiency (either dietary or mental) that makes you want to lick metal.
Just think, once you get the hang of it you’ll no longer need to shower. You’ll be able to lick yourself clean…a great time saver if you’re camping or out of shower range.
I was going to say what the Jawoh said, but he got here first. Maybe I’ll just sniff his crotch and see if he’s friendly.
*sniff, sniff*
you should try batteries next. those thing are ca-razy.
1. Your folks’ dog may have an iron deficiency.
2. Bailey may just like to lick metallic oxides. Is Bailey excessively stupid?
batteries really are fun!! they sort of shock you each lick, i must go find one now!
Unfortunatly I dont have availablity to a household pet. So I just pretended I have one and that is was a lion. So I just spent the past 20 minutes attacking and mauling my mother. I hope she still get’s my dinner made. Mom? Mom?
Licking metal has become cliche, like pet rocks and terrorism.
Kevin-
This whole blog is terribly passe, much like blogging itself and general criticism. It’s much cooler nowdays to just avoid doing anything (including licking metal) and watch people on VH1 make fun of things.
peter: i must admit that watching random people make fun of stuff on vh1 is one of my most favorite past times. thank you for validating me.
Tami,
Thank you for being validated. Here at JLP Candidate services we value our reader’s self-esteem. Feel free to contact us at anytime.
The foil thing is best if you chew it and have metal fillings…..
“Sparks fllllyyyyyyyy…..”
adam and peter-
please don’t encourage tami to do this, as it really is all that she does. that and watch dumb decorating shows.
What’s especially fun is to lick metal objects that belong to other people … I find they taste much better when there’s a little foreign flavor in the mix. Just moments ago, I knocked on my neighbors’ door and asked if I could come in for a minute, and quickly proceeded to their kitchen where I found lots of yummy metal utensils and a few random baking pans sitting in the dish drainer.
Thanks for the tip. I have seen my dogs doing many things that I had previously thought were pretty strange and a little unnerving, but now I find that they really do have the right idea. This morning I skipped my not-so-usual run and instead chased myself in circles around the room. Phew, what a workout!
(I like your blog … it makes me chuckle. I was led to it from a link on Ochuk’s blog)
my daughter licks metal bangles