Yesterday I got the chance to visit my brother Brian during his summer orientation at my alma mater, the University of St. Thomas.
When I showed up to meet him, he was sitting quietly near the end of one of the tables in the cafeteria, stuck sitting by a few uninteresting students. I felt bad for him when I sat down, quickly realizing that while the two guys near him seemed nice enough, they were apparently incapable of a conversation beyond the level of “this food sucks.” There was a cute girl seated next to him who had the attention of a number of young men at the table, but she was clearly incapable of talking about anything other than herself. Her words quickly became a dull drone about her future career options that I found deeply irritating. This is something that Brian is going to have to get used to at St. Thomas.
In the past, I (like every man) was guilty of giving a boring girl my attention, just because I thought that if I seemed like a nice enough guy, then maybe she would like me. Since St. Thomas features an abundance of beautiful, vacuous women, I ended up wasting a hell of a lot of time during my first two years of college trying to maintain any reasonable semblance of interesting conversation with these overly tan make-up recepticles. Looking back, I don’t understand why I ever thought that I had a chance with these girls – I was afraid to be myself and I resembled an unnatural combination of a young Neil Diamond and Dallas Mavericks center Shawn Bradley.
Once I became aware of what was going on, I quickly shifted from this meek, ineffectual position and re-directed my frustration into efforts to horrify and alienate women. A favorite game of mine in college was to engage a drunk girl and see how long I could make fun of her to her face before she realized what I was doing. My friends often coaxed me into this, and a favorite pastime of theirs also become recreational alienation. Among my favorite memories was the time that my friend Pete Fritz approached a girl at a bar and said to her, “Hi, I’m Pete. If I had to pick one word to describe myself, it would be ‘racist’.”
I feel badly that Brian will have to learn to navigate the world of beautiful women for himself. The initial stages of this journey can be both intimidating and intoxicating, and filled with false successes and moral victories. It is imperitive that he move beyond these stages and allow himself to be motivated solely by hatred and fear of women. Brian must drink deep from this forbidden goblet of malice and quench his soul in the waters of estrangement. He must find other men who will join him on this perilous journey through the dark forests of discomfort and inelegance. He will be tested down to the very fibers of his being, but if he emerges alive, he may become even more clumsy with women than his legendary older brother.
Godspeed, young squire.
For a minute there I thought you were describing the women at the Rock.
(OHHHH BURN!!!)
(How’s that for some awkwardness and alienation)
adam: i can’t believe you just said “oh burn!” my brother used to say that all the time to make fun of my sister and i. he would insult us and when we would try to retort he would say in a really sarcastic way, “oh burn, oh burn.” it was infuriating.
are you going to sit on me and fart next?
peter: this post was a-ok by me. vain chicks rock! i think i’ll make that a t-shirt.
Tami, your brother is the smartest person in the world.
adam, loved the kelso quote. “burns about your mom are always the best!”
peter- do you think that men get sick of a gorgeous woman who can do nothing but talk about herself, or are they so good at tuning her out that they are destined to live a life of never hearing and wondering what happened to the beautiful woman who is now a prune?
hey, nick lachet does it every day. but i don’t hear him complaining much.
it’s nick lachey, gaah get it right!! and she’s funny and incredibly hot. we have to wait till she gets ugly first. plus she doesn’t only talk about herself…
yeah.. she talks about other things.. like.. buffalos that fly.. cause they have wings..
Peter… you should be proud.. you have paved the way of disaffection for your padawan sibling… his recreancy will now topple yours and his rancor will grow until it becomes a cancer by which he uses as a tool of alienation.. yes.. you should be proud indeed.. job well done..
oh.. and you just described every girl I went to school with as well.. Minnesota and Tennessee have more in common than I thought…
Maybe it’s time for your brother to stumble into Mr. Coreander’s antique Book Store. There may be an adventure awaiting him inside.
hey! i didn’t realize it wasn’t buffalo either until they said something. i just never thought about it before. that doesn’t mean that i am dumb. yes, she is pretty dumb, but most of it is an act, so she can’t be that dumb to figure out that she will get more ratings for acting that way!
Lauren – I might quit now while you’re ahead…
lauren: you’re starting to sound like her now. is your iq in the 160s too?
OUCH!!! tami, i think our GPAs were about the same in high school and college, so be careful. and at least i can pass college algebra and history;)
and just because i admit to not thinking about something, just taking it at face value, doesn’t mean i am dumb.
so bring it!!!!
i did pass college algebra! and i would’ve passed history if my professor spoke in complete sentences. jerk. ah… prof blahs (no joke, that really was his name).
can i please tell you what just happened?!?! i went to subway for lunch. i always get extra mayo and they never put on enough. so i went to put more on and i found a hair!!!! gross!!!!!! i have taken it off now and am going to go on in complete ignorance. i have now forgotten about it.
sometimes it helps just to pretend that it’s yours.
at least it wasn’t a hair like BP found at wendy’s!!!
1. Lauren and Tami need their own Weblog. This stuff is priceless. It’s like Pardon the Interruption does Seinfeld.
2. Peter, Peter, Peter. Why did you follow girls in college? I didn’t—look where it got me! I’m single, lonesome, and …
I’ll go kill myself now.
the sad thing is, is that we have about three different emails going right now too.
but we won’t do it here unless we knew that you all loved it so!!!
*cricket chiping*
WHAT?!?! fine, we won’t comment anymore then! humph!
HA! Peter is an ass!
whatever. i’m still going to comment here. if there’s anything i love more than uncomfortable silence it’s pissed-off uncomfortable silence.
right on tami!!! let’s find a way to alienate peter on his own blog!!!
awesome. peter sucks. peter sucks. hahaha. everyone laugh and point.
together if we combine forces and stop arguing with each other, we can do this! WE CAN RULE THE WORLD!!! (or at least JLP)
shall we make it a hostile take-over? or will peter go peacefully?
i don’t think he will. we will need much cereal!
I love how there is 25 comments in this blog and mine is the only one that addressed the post.
whatever adam! my first post did!!! don’t go taking peter’s side now too!
hey I addresed the post you ASS!!.. I want to alienate too.. see..
okay trey, you are willing to join the forces with which have never been seen…?
It would take all of us plus Kevin Sawer to alienate peter.
the likes, lauren! the likes of which have never been seen! geez! do i have to tell you everything?
i think it’s working, he’s not talking…
i’m almost certain that you are the pinkey to my brain.
I think adam is right.. but I say we give it a shot..
or.. the likes of it a shot.. or.. whatever tami wants…
we’ll lead as three kings! oh yes we’ll lead as three kings… tami! you have to go to MN, there’s a potato probalo!
what was that gibberish? dorga-ofer dorga-ofer!
hey tami…
i love you!
um… discomfort… can’t breathe… scared…
i, uh, i mean, i, uh, like you?
whew! i’m glad i did this test on you!!!
you passed though, you got a F+!!
a shiny new quarter to whoever can tell us what this has been from…
ooo! ooo! i know! i know!
Hey lauren and *tami*, no offense, but have you two ever thought of communicating over the phone?
I always feel like I need to take a shower after reading more than 27 of your comments to each other.
Just a thought.
a shower? that makes no sense
a shower? hm… ok… we communicate over the phone, actually, quite often. also the email and many other blog pages. if we are irritating you so, MJ, we shall discontinue our discourse.
fin
Whoa. This thread is out of control.
no, no, no, I take a shower afterwards because I sweat a lot. I am a very sweaty person.
i still don’t get it, but out of respect to peter and the fact that this is his blog, we will stop.