Wondersponge

If you’re anything like me, you’re concerned that your food doesn’t resemble your cleaning supplies closely enough. Fortunately, now we can purchase crustless bread from Iron Kids!

Delicious!

Oftentimes, when I’m cleaning the bathroom, I will look fondly at the sponge I am using to clean the outside of my toilet and wonder, “Why can’t I eat this? Why is God so cruel as to forbid me from eating such a tantalizingly appetizing item?” In a few dark, undisciplined moments, the sponge has drifted from the toilet to my tongue, with results too horrifying to speak of.

Nowdays, when my lips yearn for the sweet texture of the sponge, I can satiate their lusts with crustless bread. It’s really the best of both worlds – it looks and feels like sponge, but it’s non-toxic and fortified with calcium! No longer do we have to experience hours of dry heaving after ingesting toilet bowl cleaner and fecal residue, our bodies wracked with agony brought on by the cruel beckoning whispers of our bathroom sponges. Now we can apply the fecal residue directly to the crustless bread and consume to our heart’s delight! Conversely, if you don’t have a washcloth handy, you can simply grab a slice of crustless bread and wipe off your counter while strengthening it with calcium!

At Last!

Sometimes life is so good that you just have to sit back and bask in the sun, knowing that you’ve got it made. Me, I’m living a charmed life with my crustless bread. Iron Kids’ crustless bread is the physical manifestation of all my hopes and dreams. It is perfect – the alpha and omega. And it has my vote on November 2nd.

Thanks to Adam for the pictures!

This entry was posted in Best of the JLP, Raves. Bookmark the permalink.

20 Responses to Wondersponge

  1. Roger says:

    Iron Kids Crustless Bread saved me once when I fell down a well.

    Bless you, crustless bread!

  2. Geof says:

    Simply beautiful.

  3. lauren says:

    finally, i can save money. i have gone bankrupt buying sponges for dessert.

  4. Jimmy Jo Joerson the third and a half says:

    Mmmmmm Fecal Residue….. No offense but I’ll stick with my sponge.

  5. bill cosby says:

    you know.. those pudding pops sorta look like “fecal matter”.. hmmmm..

  6. *tami* says:

    great. i just threw up all my breakfast sponge. thanks alot, peter.

    speaking of sponges, i’ve recently read that the sponge (as in “spongworthy”) will be making a comeback. not that i’ll be using one or anything.

  7. dave says:

    Thanks, Tami. Now I threw up.

  8. Adam says:

    Wow, you did so much better with my joke than I EVER could have.

  9. Roger says:

    Adam, doesn’t that tick you off?

  10. ted says:

    The only down side is that sponges are actually cheaper than crustless bread. But you dont get that calcium. What is calcium? I am pretty sure I am on a no calcium diet, but I cant be sure.

  11. lauren says:

    ted, you get calcium from milk. it helps to build strong bones

  12. *tami* says:

    lauren, how would you know? you don’t drink milk.

  13. lauren says:

    yes i do! i drink choc milk. i don’t drink water.

  14. dave says:

    I think somehow the chocolate cancels out the health benefits of the milk.

  15. *tami* says:

    thank you, david! i’ve been telling her that for years!

  16. little miss says:

    so *tami*, spongworthy? Spongeworthy? I can’t even tell you gender here. Could you elaborate about that? Sponges gross you out? You can’t physically use one in a manner which would coincide with the manufacturers instruction?

    Peter- you make feel like a Natural Ovens fan- I hope you bread which actually has bread in it and not this crap. You most likely can’t absorb the calcium from this bread or cows milk anyway.

  17. *tami* says:

    little miss: you have confused me greatly. i am in awe of your poor grammar. however, if you are lost as to what spongeworthy means, you need to bone up on your seinfeld.

  18. lauren says:

    lalalalalalala, dave i can’t hear you!!!

  19. little miss says:

    don’t care about grammer or Sienfeld it is good to know that you need to pick on peoples grammer though to fell good methinks you detest eecummings too sucks to be you

  20. *tami* says:

    understand you me can’t to know you that can’t read to understand you mean what you say to me you confuse are you what say to don’t know.

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