So I got home last night, and opened my paycheck to find that I had been paid $6.43 for my last two weeks of work.
To be fair, my gross pay was $10.75, before ol’ Uncle Sam got his grubby fingers on my money. Damn Democrats. I worked hard to receive my hourly wage of 13 cents an hour, and now Congress is pulling the precious cash out of my fingers to pay for a lunar mission or an elementary school or some damn thing.
As I slowly became blind with rage, I did my best to pay my bills. I was able to pay 1/58th of my rent before I ran out of money for the next two weeks. I’ve spoken with the cable and phone companies and explained to them that my employer has arbitrarily chosen to dock hundreds and hundreds of dollars from my pay. They were very understanding and friendly and wished me good luck in continuing to exist for far less money than mentally retarded homeless beggars make in an hour.
Fortunately, as I write this, I have now taken care of the situation. My supervisors were quite helpful once I employed the help of my only true friend – an aluminum baseball bat that I’ve named Bonepopper. They ensure me that the remainder of my paycheck will be arriving shortly. Maybe I was wrong to complain about receiving only $6.43 for my services. My reaction was probably greedy and selfish, as I was unable to see beyond the financial benefits that such a sacrifice would reap for my company. Maybe I shouldn’t have taken ol’ Bonepopper to their ankles the way that I did.
Oh well, it’s too late for regrets now. I shouldn’t cry over spilt milk. I’m going to head out to Wendy’s and spend my $6.43 like a king!