Today begins my final week of work at this job.
There are so many ways that I could celebrate and commemorate my two years at this position. Sadly, I don’t have an abundance of time this morning to elaborate on my options, here are a few ideas that I’ve been brainstorming.
-Show up for my last day of work wearing only a Chicago Bulls jersey and a speedo.
-Fill a styrofoam cup with my own urine before I slowly and defiantly pour a few drops of pee onto the heads of all my co-workers and supervisors while blasting “We Are the Champions”.
-Eat too many apples, giving myself an upset stomach.
-On my last day of work, bring in a homemade cake for everybody to share. Then I would maniacally giggle to myself, knowing that this is no ordinary cake. In secret, I added a bit too much baking soda, which gave the cake an unpleasant taste. I would eagerly go around from person to person asking how they liked my homemade cake. This would create slight unpleasantness for everybody, which I would revel in.
-Kick each of my bosses in the torso and groin until they either vomit in agony or die from internal hemorrhaging.
-Walk around asking everybody to sign my high school yearbook.
-Throw a live cannister of mustard gas into the breakroom, killing all those using the vending machine.
Any other suggestions?
Peter:
You were largely responsible for Office Slam. Seems to me that you’ve got a primer for it already.
I think you should tell Girl B you have a girlfriend again, Girl C that she is the most self-centered annoying person in the world and that she should teach classes in victimology, tell all of the team lead they are fat, prank call Eric as a disgruntled candidate, ask the trainers what is she does again, and make a weapon out of your belt and keychain to kill unsuspecting employees in the parking ramp so you can use their corpses to warm yourself.
I think you should bring a bed into your cube and put 3,000 lbs of shaved ham on it. Then when people walked by and asked what it was for, you could say “I’m preparing to open the minds of my future students to the wonders of education through art and history.” You would leave with your co-workers thinking you’re pretty sophisticated, and having a 3,000 lb mess to clean up.
Oops. I guess I meant 300 lbs. 3,000 seemed a little excessive…
Give them this URI.
Last chance to make out with Adam in the breakroom in front of Girl B!!!
quit showering as of today. exercise frantically every day after work. then friday, as you lean over your co-workers (especially girl c) and their respective work spaces, ask “do you smell that?”
I think you should buy about a dozen small pints of milk, open each one up, and then hide them throughout the building in really hard to reach places.
Then steal everyone’s staplers, and the balls from their mice, and stash all of the evidence in Adams desk somewhere, then that evening e-mail someone there from home, with some mundane e-mail, and happen to mention how you saw Adam hanging out by their desk looking kind of suspicious.
Peter, now that you’ll be leaving this job, is there an opening? I’m available…and open for a delicious interview. What did you do there?
=)
Craig, a.k.a. Larsonic Traveler
Seriously, the cake is the best idea. PLEASE do that and then relay the story!!
i too like the cake idea.
you could also use magic tape to tape down the receiving button on everyone’s phone. that way when they try to answer, the phone will keep ringing.
During your last week, you should put on the whole Jeremy the Perfect Boyfriend act. At least use a soft, huffy voice. =)