I had a lovely e-conversation with Karl, Maren, and Adam yesterday, all thanks to the internet. We were discussing how much we’re looking forward to getting old. Not necessariliy together. For my part, I hope to have long since parted ways with those three by the time I’m a senior citizen. The simple fact that I’ve known them each for even 4 years is enough to make me physically ill. I’ll live the rugged nomad’s life in the mountains of Nepal if that’s what I have to do to get away from those ingrates. I will wander the earth forever, scavenging for fruits and berries, wearing clothing crafted from leaves and squirrel pelts, all in an effort to rid my life of those three.
Okay now, where was I?
Ah yes, the fun parts about being old. Here are some of the things to look forward to:
-Eating at Perkins every Sunday and chewing our food thoroughly.
-Wearing Blueblockers at all times during any occasion (including during weddings and while showering).
-Belligerantly espousing antiquainted and borderline offensive political and social views.
-As an old man, I will particularly enjoy wearing light blue dress pants every day.
-For a woman, she can delight in her weekly visits to the “beauty operator” to get a “permanent”
-Yelling “WHAT?” repeatedly
-Riding around in those sweet ass Go-Carts, thereby hogging entire aisles at the grocery store while we slowly peruse for detergent
Also, I’m going to particularly enjoy taking part in whatever the hell is going on in this picture:
Just so everyone knows, that picture was taken from the St. Paul Pioneer Press, and is a picture of an octagenarian who is pole-vaulting at the Senior Olympics. If I recall, he cleared 8 foot something.
Don’t forget about the joys of filling your Depends.
What the hell are “Blueblockers”, over?
I too, share your disdain for knowing you, Maren, and Karl. The thought of knowing you when I am happily old is enough to make me want to die young.
Karl, thank you for the details of the picture. I appreciate the fact that it makes the joke much less funny when you minutely describe what I purposefully left vague
Geof-
Blueblockers: http://featherrivertradingcompany.com/barter/img23.gif
Ahhh, I was wondering about Blueblockers, too. Thanks for the link.
Don’t forget the joy of salt-free food at the nursing home, and drooling.
I want to be a greeter at Walmart when I’m old..
either that or a cashier at Hardees, and do my job
without hurrying. I will not hurry when I am old as I sometimes do now. Maybe I should stop hurrying now. What would happen if we did things now that only old people typically do? Would we get in trouble? Why do they get to do it without getting in trouble?
I will enjoy popping out my dentures as frequently as I can and drool all over everything.
Mess and chaos will purposly be left in my wake for the young to clean up. Eventually they will put me in a home where the highlight of my day will be to yell “BINGO!” whether i have one or not and make inappropriate gestures at the young male nurses ;o)
In old age, Peter, Jon and Niles will come together as Welmore Niles. I don’t know why they’ll do this when they’re older. I am desperately trying to add my own thoughts into the framework of the topic of getting older.
In addition to my permanent, I will get my hair colored monthly, silvery, with a nice powder blue or lavender tinge. Also, I will watch my “stories” and professional wrestling whenever I please with no emberrassment. Thirdly, I will wear a brown and tan flowered frock, (designed as if a 5 year old were asked to draw a dress-a rectangle shape with sleeves) with knee high nylons -tan colored-which I’ll never seem to be able to keep rolled up evenly. One rolled down around the ankle, with the other mid-calf.
Finally, I will say things like: back in my day, I remember when, and you young people, when addressing anyone under 65.
I will only wear moo-moos and dye my hair ever so slightly blue. I will make tons of sweatshirts with big pictures of horse heads and brown puffy paint around them and give them to my grandkids. I will also wrap up all kinds of old knicknacks from my attic and give them to my grandkids as christmas gifts and write them $5 checks.
I will begin purchasing that foul orange-and-brown wrapped peanut butter candy and giving it to children.
Forget giving it to the children, that peanut butter candy is awesome!! I’ll keep it all for myself and will instead bestow upon children the gift of massaging my bunyons for a quarter which they can use to invest or gamble away.
I can’t wait to drive a gigantic Cadillac down the center of the road. More car than I ever could need.
Adam: I think if you’re going to be old and have a cadillac, you have do drive it no faster than 20 mph, even on busy roads in the city. And on the highway, you have to stay below 40.
When I am old, every easter dinner will include butter in the shape of a lamb. I will play polish card games with my grandkids and all my furniture will have plastic coverings on them.
oh wait…..that was my granny…not me…..or will it be?
It would be funny to keep this stuff around to see if we all actually turn out like we think we will…Alexis, when I am old, I will secretly be glad that you have plastic covering on your furniture. I won’t say why.
Alexis, when you’re old, I’m going to visit you and blatantly pee on your plastic-covered furniture. I’ll just keep standing, urinate on your ottoman, and then excuse myself.
Why wait until she’s old? You just did that at my house two weeks ago.
I turned 47 a few weeks ago.
I have no idea where to buy light blue dress pants. I am in trouble.
Sage – I think Sears or JC Penney would have you covered for those. Heck, I think even Lands End would be able to handle that request!
My 16-year-old daughter is about to acquire her first car: a beautiful burgundy 1978 cadillac fleetwood (four-door boat) with 12,000 miles on it, left to her by an octaginarian who had his own driver but rarely went anywhere and passed away a short time ago… she’s all set for that old age driving thing!
Interesting to see that the old of any country appear to be almost the same. Sitting in Australia, I will also eat at the RSL (Returned Services Leage Club) three times a week. One Schooner of beer will last me 3 or even 4 hours and my war stories, which bear no resemblance to what I actually did during any war, will grow and grow in length.
I already am an old woman. I already do the things old women do. And blog about it.