I spent last weekend locked away in a cabin up in northern Minnesota. It was a profound experience being locked away from society with no television, radio, paved roads, or Dairy Queen Blizzard treats. It was man vs. the elements. While holed up in this cabin, I came to learn much about myself. The cabin became a cocoon of sorts, and I began to emerge as a new, more beautiful version of myself after spending a few days in the bathroom pupating.
My friends, say hello to the new me.
It all began with my first sip of Stroh’s. Once my tongue had acquired a taste for that unique blend of barley, hops, and fun-sauce, there was no turning back. I began speaking in low, gutteral tones, muttering to myself about fishing regulations and snowmobiling. I now found myself lusting for the hunt of big game, but in the absence of any rifle, I grabbed the discarded antler you see and took off stealthily into the woods to pursue the mighty elk. I bounded through the forest with the speed of the cheetah, the grace of the deer, and the cunning of the dolphin. It was a sight akin to Sylvester Stallone in Rambo: First Blood, except that Brian Dennehy was nowhere present. After pausing briefly to eat a fruit roll-up, I spotted an albino elk with golden antlers. It was a sight more beautiful than I could ever have imagined. It saw me and beckoned me to come closer to him, that we might have an inter-species summit to discuss the future of these great north woods. At that moment, I sped towards him with great quickness and bludgeoned him to death with the antler. Dragging the 900-lb beast the 12 miles back to the cabin was a chore, and I was further frustrated to learn that we had no prior knowledge of how to clean or cook an elk. In the end, we decided to throw the albino elk carcass into the lake, in hopes that it would wash ashore at a nearby resort and they would have to deal with it.
In summation, the point of my story is this: I am a new, better man now. Where before I was ineffectual and cerebral, I am now dull-minded and prone to fits of arbitrary violence. Where before I was ambitious, I am now unwilling to leave the confines of my cabin without promise of fruit snacks. Where before I was at least moderately disciplined, Stroh’s beer now regularly comprises over 7% of my blood/alcohol content. If you see me, be still and avoid making sudden movements. Such behaviors are likely to provoke me to attacking you with my antler-weapon. Hold out your jacket to puff up your size if I approach you, and scream loudly so that I will be startled and dart back into the forest.
It is the only way.