The Quest for Presidential Fitness

As I write this, I’m sitting at the computer a bit bleary-eyed and preparing to go out for a 2.5 mile run. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I do enjoy running and I do it with some degree of regularity.

I just wish I could go back in time and get another crack at the Presidental Fitness Awards.

The patch I lust for

Back in the day, the 1-mile run was the bane of my existance. I used to be able to do sit-ups and pull ups like a fiend – I often frightned my instructors and classmates with the intensity of my performance in those particular excercises. While doing pull ups, I would scream “GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!” at an alarmingly loud level. Once I completed the required number of pull-ups, I would drop from the bar, and crush concrete blocks with my bare hands before finally eating a crisp, delicious nectarine.

The shuttle run was another area of dominance for me. Back and forth I would run, while I and the tape-covered wooden block became as one. The other phy-ed students looked on in awe and wonderment as I effortlessly weaved between the lines as easily as taking a dump. On some occasions, I selected one special classmate and rifled the block at their temple after I had finished, knocking them unconscious and often causing permanent brain damage. What can I say? I’m a crowd-pleaser.

Don’t even get me started on the sit-and-reach. I’ll share only this with you: I’m able to reach almost 4 feet beyond my toes. Medical science has yet to be able to explain this.

I’ve written numerous letters to actor Christopher Lloyd, who portrayed Doc Brown in the Back to the Future trilogy to ask him about the possibility of developing another time machine, that I might go back in time to 8th grade with my newfound cardiovascular fitness and receive the Presidential Fitness Award that I so richly deserve. I am also hoping that Huey Lewis will accompany us. My advances have thus far been rebuffed, but next week I’ll be travelling to Lloyd’s Beverly Hills home and performing the shuttle run in his driveway until he relents. Soon enough I’ll be back from 1992 with my fitness award in hand and ready to enjoy the spoils of my life which has been infinitely enriched.

This is going to be so fricking sweet…

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7 Responses to The Quest for Presidential Fitness

  1. Adam says:

    You are so hot right now.

  2. Atreyu says:

    Have you ever noticed that it’s all of the presidential fitness award winners who seem to be running this country? I believe there is a secret society one enters into apon receiving this prestigious award.

    I’ll bve awaiting your return at the Lone Pine mall, when you return back to the future, so I might borrow your delorean to travel back and what’s rightly mine. To be honest, I don’t know that I’m prepared to get it the officially correct way. But hey, I’m much bigger now, and I know how to swing a bat. I’ll get my freakin’ award!!

  3. Kristie says:

    Maybe this getting to the point of enjoying running is a mark of maturity or something…
    Can’t say I excelled at *anything* in gym class, but I detested the mile run more than anything else. And now, these many years later, I jog of my own free will.
    “You said that Irony was the shackles of youth…”–REM

  4. Ted says:

    I have so many of the Red fitness awards but the blue has evaded me. Damn my underactive metabolism and that blue patch which so wickedly haunts my dreams.

  5. Ted says:

    oh yeah and those pull ups that are done backwards of anyway a normal human does push ups. Damn those too.

  6. John R says:

    I once ran a mile. Then about 100 yards into it I stopped because I could no longer breathe. Oops.

  7. Sarah says:

    I excelled at the shoe toss and in sit-ups.
    Now I make sure my shoes are always tightly fastened to my feet and I have a fat-arse flabby stomach.

    Kids should avoid physical activity at all costs because in the end it will only make you fatter!!!

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