As I write this, I’m sitting at the computer a bit bleary-eyed and preparing to go out for a 2.5 mile run. Despite all evidence to the contrary, I do enjoy running and I do it with some degree of regularity.
I just wish I could go back in time and get another crack at the Presidental Fitness Awards.
Back in the day, the 1-mile run was the bane of my existance. I used to be able to do sit-ups and pull ups like a fiend – I often frightned my instructors and classmates with the intensity of my performance in those particular excercises. While doing pull ups, I would scream “GO! GO! GO! GO! GO! GO!” at an alarmingly loud level. Once I completed the required number of pull-ups, I would drop from the bar, and crush concrete blocks with my bare hands before finally eating a crisp, delicious nectarine.
The shuttle run was another area of dominance for me. Back and forth I would run, while I and the tape-covered wooden block became as one. The other phy-ed students looked on in awe and wonderment as I effortlessly weaved between the lines as easily as taking a dump. On some occasions, I selected one special classmate and rifled the block at their temple after I had finished, knocking them unconscious and often causing permanent brain damage. What can I say? I’m a crowd-pleaser.
Don’t even get me started on the sit-and-reach. I’ll share only this with you: I’m able to reach almost 4 feet beyond my toes. Medical science has yet to be able to explain this.
I’ve written numerous letters to actor Christopher Lloyd, who portrayed Doc Brown in the Back to the Future trilogy to ask him about the possibility of developing another time machine, that I might go back in time to 8th grade with my newfound cardiovascular fitness and receive the Presidential Fitness Award that I so richly deserve. I am also hoping that Huey Lewis will accompany us. My advances have thus far been rebuffed, but next week I’ll be travelling to Lloyd’s Beverly Hills home and performing the shuttle run in his driveway until he relents. Soon enough I’ll be back from 1992 with my fitness award in hand and ready to enjoy the spoils of my life which has been infinitely enriched.
This is going to be so fricking sweet…