State Fair Fun

Greetings, young fools.

I apologize about the lack of entries recently. I’ve been occupied with job-related business as well as some new Welmore Mile recording. Aside from the fatalities, each have gone remarkably well.

A while back, I enjoyed an afternoon visit to the Minnesota State Fair. The fair is a wonderful place to observe the greasy, mulleted underbelly of the humanity, eat and drink until you’ve had your fill of gluttony and watch a performance by the Allman Brothers. Though I had to sadly miss out on my southern rock, I did enjoy the first two activities. I particularly enjoyed the foods offered at the fair, which consist primarily of cheese and meat variants, mostly deep fried, and preferably on a stick.

I came in and got started with some corn on the cob on a stick. Then I concluded my round of appetizers with a foot-long corn dog on a stick. Then I was on to the main course. Within 25 minutes I consumed a hamburger, a beef-kabob, and a turkey leg. For dessert I had a root beer float and a deep-fried Snickers. The weather was hot and muggy, I was surrounded with thousands of sweating, mustachioed mouth-breathers, and I was bloated and from massive grease intake.


I collapsed beneath a picnic table for nearly an hour, my breathing labored due to a 4-inch turkey bone lodged in my esophagus, as well as the 14 pounds of food now making its way through my intestines. I knew that I would have to be leaving shortly, and I didn’t want to waste my $9 admission fee, so I slowly waddled back into the fray, looking for more foods to engorge myself to death with. I eventually purchased a deep-fried pelican and ate the entire thing, pausing only to nibble around the spine, where the tastiest pelican meat tends to hide. The sea bird was tender and juicy, redolent of duck but with the added tangy crisp of a Butterfinger bar. By this point my shirt was stretched to the point where it now tore in two, and my hair was now slick with sweat and meat juices. As I was about to leave, I stopped at one last food stand where I deep-fried my left arm and ate my own skin and muscle off the bone. The man-flesh was succulent and moist, and I ingested my fill of myself…

Man, I can’t wait to go back next year…

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17 Responses to State Fair Fun

  1. Geof says:

    My friend John went as well. Did you have a Scotch egg?

  2. Acorn says:

    Though i am only a simple chinese man, ( i see the wisdom in your statement. I wish to sculpt my life in you likeliness. I just came back from the store with a deep-fat frier, and have already deep fried my hamburger, fries, ice cream, and toothpaste (i believe deeply in hygiene). I plan to collect sticks from my yard until i have enough to properly enjoy pierced food. I will not rest until i can feel the satisfaction of delicious fair food twenty four hours a day. Your humble reader, acorn

  3. trey says:

    even when you’re posts arent that good.. you still come through with atleast one line that makes me wretch… “and my hair was now slick with sweat and meat juices”

    all you needed was a mention of butter somewhere and I would have thrown up on my keyboard.

    way to alientate!

  4. lauren says:

    i agree with trey, this wasn’t good

  5. Roger says:

    Trey, he said Butterfinger, isn’t that good enough for you!?

    I thought this was great…looooosers!

    (I would eat my own arm, but I don’t like white meat…)

  6. Ochuk says:

    I loved it! You guys just haven’t been to our fair and ate all that crap.

  7. *tami* says:

    peter, you almost impressed me when i melded the two lines together and thought you said you ate a 25 foot-long hotdog. that would have been awesome. it :would: have been.

  8. Sarah says:

    Let me know when you go next year. i’d like to sample some of your right arm after i’ve ingested my fill of deep fried foods. After that I’ll regurgitate everything back on to you. We’ll laugh and go to the milk barn where milk will flow from our noses freely.

  9. Ted says:

    You got one of the Pelicans… man they were out when I got there… all I got was deep fried sea gull… not so good

  10. *tami* says:

    did you ever hear that story about the lady who ate the seagull and threw up?

  11. karlquick says:

    I agree with Adam. I loved the post! I started snickering at deep-fried Pelican and then started laughing out loud at the thought of you deep frying your own arm.

  12. Mic says:

    You know what’s awesome? Deep-fried Mars Bars. They are a Scottish specialty, believe it or not.

    Yummy goodness.

  13. trey says:

    you know what else is awesome..

    The Universe

  14. Ted says:

    alright trey… no more deap fried mars bars for you… your getting way to philosopical

  15. trey says:

    I like to consider my self an existentialist.. I exsist.. essentially.. on deep fried Mars bars… dont take them away…

  16. Lori S. says:

    oooh, fair food… mmm…. deep fried mac n cheese… oreos… kitten… twinkies… man flesh… *drool

  17. What I think would be the bomb would be a piece of gristle, packed in lard, the battered and deep fat fried, served with mexican fried ice cream on a hamburger drenched in chocolate butter sause

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