I think it must be a rule that every little crappy town in Minnesota offer a Dairy Queen.
I wouldn’t be suprised at all to find that when Minnesota’s constitution was written in 1858, they included an article that called for the establishment of one DQ for every 30 people. This Constitution also apparently specified that the men of northern Minnesota must grow wispy mustaches, be mumbly and inarticulate, and support motor sports of all varieties.
A week ago I had the lovely opportunity to travel to Virginia, MN with my girlfriend Bridgette, and in the 4-hour drive, we passed approximately 782 Dairy Queens. That’s a hell of a lot of Brownie Batter Blizzards, let me tell you. As Bridgette drove her Jeep Cherokee, I slouched in the back seat consuming artificial ice cream treats at an alarming rate. I was able to successfully ingest a dozen Blizzard treats before becoming massively ill. I soon began to defecate uncontrollably, destroying not only my underwear and pants, but my socks, shoes, and eyeglasses. Bridgette’s backseat was now a sticky, malodorous bed of chocolate and loose feces. We continued stopping at every DQ in sight, as mandated by the Minnesota constitution. By this point I had grown weary of the Oreo or Brownie Batter Blizzards that I had thus far consumed, and so I commanded the horrified employees to make me a Barbequed Pork Blizzard. By this point my body, wracked with torturous spasms, was rejecting all food, so I spread the cool, seasoned meat and cream all about, groaning with agony-cloaked pleasure. My stomach was distended, my knees were dislocated, and my clothing was rent in twain. Hours later, I passed out from dehydration and massive blood loss.
When I awoke to notice that I was being hosed off by Bridgette’s father, I reflected on our journey. These were the moments that you savor. It’s not every day that you are able to consume 38 gallons of DQ treats and experience a loose, bloody bowel movement lasting continually for 4 hours. As somebody once said, these could be the good old days. Dare I say it, this had probably been the greatest experience of my life.