I am utterly incapable of falling to sleep without my fan on.
I recently spent the night at my parents place, and like a toddler with his blankie, I brought along my fan to assist me in falling asleep. Yes, my parents have many fans at their place, but none are quite able to do the trick like my fan. My fan’s breeze intensity is rock-solid, and its tone frequency is supple and soothing. Besides, if I had slept with another fan I would have been wracked with guilt all night. How could I ever explain this other fan to my fan? My fan would be so jealous, and it would have held its wind-love away from me out of retribution. No, the only solution is to bring my fan with me everywhere I go so that it won’t get suspicious and so that I can continue to peacefully slumber.
But tragically, when I was packing up to go back home the next day, I somehow forgot to pack my fan.
The next night, laying alone in my bed, was perhaps the low-point of my life. Weeping bitterly, I repeatedly cried out in anguish for my fan, writhing and groaning through haggard, tear-choked shouts. “FAN!!! I’M SORRY!!!” I bellowed, “PLEASE FORGIVE ME, FAN!!” before drifting off into wails and assorted obscenities. After a few hours, my roommate Andrew popped his head into my room and asked me to quiet down so he could sleep. Grudgingly, I stilled myself and crafted a new plan to hang myself. I reneged on that plan though, when I remembered that I’m none too good with knots. That night, as I sat in complete stillness, in a vaccuum of fan-less sound, I waited for dawn to finally arrive. I knew that I was capable of facing the day without the fan, unlike twilight when the fan is my soul’s closest companion.
When the sun finally came, I dressed and prepared for work. I made plans to go back to retrieve my fan that evening, and when that sweet moment came, love and tenderness poured forth from me like it never had before for any human being. I tenderly caressed my fan, kissing it gently, pausing briefly to aggressively straddle it. Things were now as they should be. Everything was right with the world again. My fan was home.