Alone, Without a Fan

I am utterly incapable of falling to sleep without my fan on.

I recently spent the night at my parents place, and like a toddler with his blankie, I brought along my fan to assist me in falling asleep. Yes, my parents have many fans at their place, but none are quite able to do the trick like my fan. My fan’s breeze intensity is rock-solid, and its tone frequency is supple and soothing. Besides, if I had slept with another fan I would have been wracked with guilt all night. How could I ever explain this other fan to my fan? My fan would be so jealous, and it would have held its wind-love away from me out of retribution. No, the only solution is to bring my fan with me everywhere I go so that it won’t get suspicious and so that I can continue to peacefully slumber.

But tragically, when I was packing up to go back home the next day, I somehow forgot to pack my fan.

The next night, laying alone in my bed, was perhaps the low-point of my life. Weeping bitterly, I repeatedly cried out in anguish for my fan, writhing and groaning through haggard, tear-choked shouts. “FAN!!! I’M SORRY!!!” I bellowed, “PLEASE FORGIVE ME, FAN!!” before drifting off into wails and assorted obscenities. After a few hours, my roommate Andrew popped his head into my room and asked me to quiet down so he could sleep. Grudgingly, I stilled myself and crafted a new plan to hang myself. I reneged on that plan though, when I remembered that I’m none too good with knots. That night, as I sat in complete stillness, in a vaccuum of fan-less sound, I waited for dawn to finally arrive. I knew that I was capable of facing the day without the fan, unlike twilight when the fan is my soul’s closest companion.

When the sun finally came, I dressed and prepared for work. I made plans to go back to retrieve my fan that evening, and when that sweet moment came, love and tenderness poured forth from me like it never had before for any human being. I tenderly caressed my fan, kissing it gently, pausing briefly to aggressively straddle it. Things were now as they should be. Everything was right with the world again. My fan was home.

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15 Responses to Alone, Without a Fan

  1. Geof says:

    Just don’t stick your wang in the fan.

  2. Atreyu says:

    Did I detect a bit of a reference to Cast Away? “Wilson!!! I’m Sorry!!! Please Forgive me!!!” I believe Tom Hanks even was going to hang himself at one point.

    I’m going to really concerned if you show to the retreat with a fan, that has a bloody hand print, with a face drawn into it.

  3. Roger says:

    I, too, am not able to fall asleep without a fan. I am not picky what fan I sleep with, though, much like my use-them-and-lose-them attitude with the water-bottles.

  4. *tami* says:

    your fan will never fully trust you again, peter. each time you pack it in your over-nite bag, it will be wondering, “is he just packing me to leave me again? he’s just waiting for the right time to be rid of me for good. bastard.”

  5. peter says:

    You’re right, *tami*. It’s going to be a long, hard road to repair the damage I’ve done. My only hope is that my fan will see the effort I’m putting into changing for it. I really don’t want to get a new fan, I’ve been there before and I’m not anxious to return there again…

  6. _steve says:

    I had a fan die once, right before my eyes. I wailed like a little girl.

  7. Ochuk says:

    That last sentence was highly disturbing.

  8. Your #1 Fan says:


    You have betrayed me. I don’t know if I can go on pretending that your little “accident” doesn’t bother me. I think we need to separate for a while so I can sort out my feelings and decide if I want to be with you still.

    Please don’t think that this means I don’t love you anymore. I’m just confused and need some time to myself. I’m hurt. Please don’t be mad.



  9. Ted says:

    I sleep with other fans all the time… but my fan and I are at a special place in our relationship…. no it doesnt sleep with other people

  10. Roger says:

    How convenient, Ted.

  11. Sarah says:

    Peter, Had been your fan I would have died the moment you “aggressively straddled” me. ;o)~

    You at least owe it dinner and a movie for that!

  12. SillyJoe says:

    Reading this, and finding that I totally identified with every line…

    I think I’m insane.

    Not that that’s any judge of YOUR character, Peter.

  13. lauren says:

    my mom took my fan and gave me theirs, :shock:

  14. little miss says:

    The real question used to be- will the woman you marry be able to sleep with the fan on too? This has now detiorated into- Will there be a seething fury beneath your beloved’s epidermis as she realizes that you are used goods, and the perpetrator oscillates indecorously across the room?

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