The Women Freak-o-Meter

Hey guys. While I’m busy toiling away at my new job (I’m loving it, but it keeps me way too busy), I’m pleased to present this post from guest blogger Kevin Sawyer. I found this to be incredibly hilarious. If you are offended by anything you read here, I believe I speak for Kevin when I say tell you that’s just too damn bad.


We’ve all met them.  Women who seem cool.  They’re fun to be around at first.  Maybe you’re even interested in them.  But then it turns out they’re entirely crazy.  And suddenly you’re friends with (or worse, dating) a woman who is dangerously out of control.  They must be stopped.  Even destroyed. But how to spot them before it’s too late? Let the handy-dandy freak-o-meter light the way! Score her on the following questions. 
Number of times she cries per week (1 pt. for each, disregard tears of joy, or death-related crying)

Number of animated films she owns (1 pt. for each in excess of five – disregard if she is a single mother)

Number of pets (1 pt. for each, with 2 pt. bonus if more than 2 species are represented)

Number of times she calls parents per week (1pt. for each in excess of 2)

Number of times she visits parents per week (1 pt. for each, or 3 pts. if she lives with her parents)

Number of flake-outs per month (missing appointments, dates, ministry obligations et al… for reasons other than work or illness… 1 pt., illness must be verified by a doctor, and allergies do not count)

Number of floral print outfits she owns (1 pt. for each in excess of 2)

Number of permanent medications not related to birth defects (2 pts.)

Number of shows she watches religiously that are on UPN or WB (2 pts. each)

Number of doctor visits per month (1 pt. each, excepting routine exams)

Number of times she has switched churches (2 pts. each)

Number of movies she has watched more than five times (1 pt. each)

Number of particular food/beverage items she consumes more than 4 times per week (i.e. Dr. Pepper, biscotti, 1 pt. each, cereals exempt) 

Number of bumper stickers she has affixed to her car (1 pt. each not including college decals, not to exceed 3… 1 Bush/Cheney sticker shall be considered exempt for this election cycle)

Number of times she has arrived so late for an event that she has missed the event entirely (1 pt. each)

Number of articles of clothing she has in her back seat (1 pt. each in excess of three)

Answer the following questions:
Within one month of knowing her, did she reveal information about her bowel movements or menstrual cycles? (2pts.)
Does she smoke? (3 pts.)
Is she a democrat? (3 pts.)
Undecided? (2 pts.)
Voting for Nader? (11 pts.)
Has she named her car? (1 pt.)
Does she describe herself as melancholic? (2 pts. with an additional 1 pt. if she brings up the subject without provocation)
Choleric? (1 pt.)
Melancholic-choleric? (2 bonus points)
Has she described the loss of a pet as a time when God really let her down. (4 pts.)
Does she frequently wear hats? (1 pt.)
Is Robin Williams among her top three favorite actors? (1 pt.)
Is Sandra Bullock? (1 pt.)
Both? (3 pts.)
Has she ever written a card or e-mail to tell you she’s mad at you? (2 pts.)
Has she ever apologized for something you did not know she had done to you, and didn’t care? (2 pts.)
Does she live alone? (1 pt.)
Does she listen exclusively to Christian music? (2 pts.)
Does she drive stick shift? (1 pt.)
Has she lived on her own, then moved back in with her parents? (3 pts. for each time this has happened)
Has she ever described a gynecological exam to you without you bringing it up? (2 pts.)
Does she wear socks with little balls, or some other 3-dimensional element to them? (2 pts.)
Does she wear sweatpants in public? (2 pts.)
If she scored
0-5: Normal.  No need to worry.
6-10: Keep an eye on her.  No major cause for concern, but keep her in your prayers.
11-15:  Serious warning signs.  She clinging to a slippery rope.
16-20: A danger to herself.  An intervention is necessary before she alienates everyone around her.
21+: Alert the FBI 

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6 Responses to The Women Freak-o-Meter

  1. Susan says:

    I may have been offended, but all the little detailed rules about whether or not things count kept me exempted from most points (*cough*exceptfortheWBshowsone*cough*)

  2. Roger says:

    Does water count as a beverage?
    My wife scores a 4, maybe more depending on the answer to the above question.

  3. *tami* says:

    this was so funny i HAD to post a link to it.

    thank you. thank you. my day is brighter because of you.

  4. Sarah says:

    From now on I’ll be analyzing our conversations to see if you’re tallying points……

    FYI: Men who do this score 5 points minimum on the male freak-o-meter ;o)~

  5. Melissa H. says:

    Hilarious!! Nice job Kevin!

  6. You're favorite student still thinking about Republicans and Democrats says:

    Nice Mr. Welle I don’t know why you don’t share this stuff in class. Good luck in job world and keep that band going strong you have alot of talent.

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