So today I was flipping through the channels at my parents place, and I was pleased to come across one of the great movie misfires of the last quarter-century, Hook.
While enduring this unfortunate two-hour pile of horsecrap, I had the time to reflect on many things. For the first time in my life, I saw clearly the path that led me to becoming the man I am today. All things were shown to me – the experience was akin to the conclusion of 2001: A Space Oddessy. I could see that the movie’s shameless attempts to coax joy from the viewer resulted only in creating a boiling sea of cynicism and loathing that now pours forth onto this blog. All things having to do with children in this movie have no connection whatsoever to any human behavior or desires. The lost boys in Neverland live like gypsy skater punks, which is confounding enough to begin with. They pepper their language with exclaimations like “Bangarang!”, and make reference to Robin Williams being “The Pan”. Why do they do this? It’s difficult to understand – mostly likely because Steven Spielberg wanted to make them seem hip and cool. Are these things cool, though? Is it really that easy? Bangarang!
The leader of these rag-wearing biatches is an aggressive young man named Rufio. Rufio is the finest skater of them all, and he strangely seems to be about 8 years older than all the other boys. Rufio is adamant that Robin Williams is not the Pan, and the boys support him by chanting, “RU-FI-O! RU-FI-O” While I admit to not understanding fully what the title of “The Pan” implies, after witnessing Robin Williams’ feature film appearances in the late nineties (ranging from Patch Adams to Bicentennial Man) I feel safe in asserting that he not any sort of Pan whatsoever. I couldn’t understand whether Rufio countered that he himself was the Pan, or whether the Pan was a third, yet unseen character of the film. It is my hope that the Pan would be able to inform the audience what the hell Julia Roberts was doing in the movie for her whole 3 minutes of screen time.
In the end, I have no great message of hope or thanks for you on this Holiday. My only message to you is one of annoyance and hatred. Happy holidays to all. All, that is, except for Robin Williams.