The First Snow

There’s something magical about the first snowfall of the season.

This year was even more special than most. Saturday morning, I woke up bleary-eyed and dragged myself out of my bedroom. Just as I was about to descend the stairs I noticed that the light coming in from the windows was unusually bright. I looked more closely and stopped in my place when I saw it – it had snowed!

Hooray

It was beautiful. I stood hypnotized for a brief moment, softly reflecting on the wonderful little miracles that God provides for us. However, in the excitement of the moment I shamefully defecated down my legs.

Startled by this foul development, I lost my balance and my foot slipped on the newly-stained carpet. As I tumbled down the stairway, feces spraying all about the walls and my face, I noted to myself that the first snow brings out the child in all of us. I was merely reverting back to my childlike nature by crapping myself and falling headfirst into pain. When I landed on the cold tile of the kitchen, the sound of my tendons snapping pierced the stillness of the morning. As my dog began to lick the forbidden stains on the stairway walls, I knew that winter was finally here. In this moment of warm sentiment, I reached to try to pet Bailey, but my elbow was bent completely the wrong way and my forearm dangled unnaturally. I smiled to myself – all was well in my world. My body probably heal after a series of painful surgeries, my mother would be able to clean away my feces while wretching and dry heaving, all these things were temporary. ..

But the first snow? That lasts forever.*

Good afternoon.

*The snow melted the following afternoon.

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13 Responses to The First Snow

  1. Atreyu says:

    And you wonder why you don’t have any friends.

  2. Peter:

    I’m glad that you crapped yourself. I was worried that you’d gone soft.

  3. Pingback: NoelHeikkinen.com

  4. Roger says:

    You need some Ooops, I Crapped My Pants!

    LOL

  5. *tami* says:

    i don’t think you sould have admitted that to anyone.

  6. Kevin Sawyer says:

    First Robin Williams, now this? Is crap the only thing you can talk about? Ba-zing!

  7. Peter, I too, like Geof, upon reading initial paragraphs of this entry, feared that you had,….changed. For a brief, fleeting moment, I was sorely afraid you had somehow trancended to the ‘other’ side. The side where warm and fuzzy feelgoods are shared; those blogs that you read late at night and then proceed to cry yourself to sleep to.

    Upon my continuence, I was gleeful to find evidence of your incontinence. How beautiful it is to see a brother in Christ has the humbleness to admit his bodily falacies!

    To wrap things up, I just wanted to say that I enjoy your enlightening and blessing testimonies of everyday life. It is not often that man of your precedence can still connect to the layman on a personal level. Please keep the heartwarming tales of projectile defecation and ubiquitous amounts of rotting animilia coming.

    Your friend,

    Chris

  8. Stonewall Jackson says:

    I was walking down the stairs at my school today when I saw a small dark splotch on the side of the stairwell. On any other day I would have walked past it, without thinking twice, but this particular day happened to be the day after I read this post. I then paused, and, after taking a quick glance up and down the stairs to make sure that no one was coming to see me, leaned in for a closer look just to make sure. Thank you for making me worry that every splotch on the wall is actually a small splater of human feces, Peter. Thank you very much.

  9. Bailey must have been delighted. Like Christmas.

  10. *tami* says:

    *pst* peter…

    https://www.shop.continencenow.com/categoryNavigationDocument.hg?categoryId=2

  11. Mare says:

    This was perhaps the most alienating post you have ever done.

    Sick.

  12. Kevin Sawyer says:

    I don’t see what this has to do with John Larroquette.

  13. Ochuk says:

    Best of JLP fo sure!

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