The Plan

I haven’t gotten a paycheck since mid-August.

This unfortunate circumstance is due to the fact that I’ve been student teaching, which is technically a class. So I’ve essentially paid a few thousand dollars for the pleasure of working full time for the last three months or so. My savings held out longer than I thought it would, but now I’m finishing out my last few sessions of grad classes while living with my parents and beginning the job search. I have no money to speak of, and spend my days scavenging for edible leaves and berries, or perhaps a rotting squirrel carcass that I may feed upon.

At this point I have a few options to help me raise some money for the holidays…

-I feel my best bet would be to drive around slowly while hanging out the window, and barking “HEY!! HEY! MONEY!!!” This plan also has an alternate version where I bellow to the masses, “Applesauce! Applesauce for all!” while throwing jars of babyfood at people.

-Stealing money from the feeble-minded and infirm seems like a winning possibility. I would repay them later on. In hugs.

-I’d be willing to agree to wrestle an Alaskan black bear during rush hour in downtown Minneapolis. Passersby would toss spare change to us for the effort, or possibly in a vain attempt to distract the beast in full gallop towards them.

-Buried treasure.

-I have several hundred otter pelts from my journeys that I will turn in once I reach the nearest fur trading post. I have also personally murdered over 700 heathens who refused to show me where to find gold.

-I have baked a delicious german chocolate cake and eaten it all in one filthy sitting. In no way did this help me get money, but it sure did taste “rich”! It also made me puke three times shortly afterwards.

So you see, my money problems are taken care of. I wouldn’t worry yourself about me, unless I take the bear-wrestling option, in which case I will most certainly die or be horribly maimed.