Christmas Shame

It is Christmas in four days, and a holiday tradition in my house is for our family to gather together and have my father share a christmas tale for us all. This year, he has passed the tradition down for me to share with the readers of the John Larroquette Project. This, however, is not the story of the first Christmas in Bethlehem, nor is it the fanciful tales of Rudolph saving Christmas. This is a delightful story of the shame and humiliation of my friend Kevin Sawyer.

This story takes place at my church’s Christmas banquet, where Kevin (one of the founders of the Alienating Boys Club) was emotionally skewered and made to be ashamed of his very existance. I’ve changed the names to protect the innocent, but let’s listen in to how Kevin tells the tale…

You guys will appreciate this. So last night at the Christmas ball, everyone’s dancing and having a great time…. Until they play a slow song (perfect timing, 4 days after I got dumped). So I slink off the dance floor like a shmuck a la Junior High, and everything’s going great. Then, out of the blue, Mrs. D asks me to dance with her. After about 30 seconds of this stultifyiing awkwardness, Mr. D shows up and Mrs. D says “I just wanted Mr. D to notice I was dancing with someone else.” and dances with him. Then, during the same song, my friend C comes up and starts petting my arm. Not really knowing what to do there, I ask her if she wants to dance, and she says, “No, I need to find my camera.”

I’m never going to church again.

And that, my friends, is the true meaning of Christmas – humiliation, embarassment, and impotent frustration all leading up to a renunciation of faith. I’m happy for Kevin that he has finally found the true spirit behind these holiday festivities. So many of us go through the motions without stopping to reflect on the paralyzing shame that has been shoveled on us by people in our lives. We buy gifts for loved ones and listen to Bing Crosby’s mellow tidings, but we rarely allow ourselves to be made invisible to the opposite sex and ponder a lifetime of bitter singleness.

It is my hope for all of you during this Christmas that you come to understand that this season is not about Santa, not about the manger and the lowing cattle, but about drinking deep from the vulgar goblet of rejection and swallowing the acidic wine of anguish until your gullet can hold no more.

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10 Responses to Christmas Shame

  1. the Kev says:

    Adding to the humiliation, I thereafter shamefully defecated down my leg.

  2. Kevin: In such a situation, defecation should be a source of pride, a way to smack society back and say, “Oh, so you think it’s a crime to crap your pants? Fine. I’m crapping my pants, and I don’t care what you jerks think! :crap:”

    That you shamefully defecated on yourself indicates that you are not yet a man.

    Or something.

  3. the Kev says:

    Actually, according to the GCM handbook, I am not yet a man because I am not in a committed relationship. Shameful defecation merely perpetuates a viscious cycle. My singleness lead to shameful public defecation, my shameful public defecation contributes to my singleness. But I have faith that God will deliver me, or use it for his glory…

  4. mrs. r says:

    Kevin, how many times have I told you – girls are dumb!!

  5. Impotent frustration….that’s the best kind!

  6. *tami* says:

    what the freak is mrs d’s problem? weirdo.

  7. the Kev says:

    Tami – you have no idea…

  8. Sarah says:

    One day you’ll get the hint and avoid the “in your face for being single” slow songs and join the rest of us across the way for billiards and cocktails.
    If you can’t beat ‘em, drink up…..and then shamefully defecate on yourself. ;o)

  9. Jamie says:

    since when did the Rock have a christmas ball?

  10. Angelique says:

    I hope you were kidding about leaving The Rock over a dumb ball. In the future just start a rampant boycott. That will show the sobs who thought itd be a good idea to alienate the down trodden single community with an insufferable ball of rejuction. LOL, Kevin.

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