My friend Pete recently shared with me a story of a friend of his who had never eaten chili in her entire life.

The succulent chili

So many questions spring to mind when considering her situation. How had she successfully avoided chili for so long? What element of the chili was so offensive to her? The bean? The pepper? The spice? Why chili? Why not some other, lesser food? Like chow mein, for instance. I could happily live the rest of my life without seeing another damned chow mein noodle. Does her chili bigotry have anything to do with former Angels and Twins slugger Chili Davis? Did he wrong her somehow? Perhaps he bludgeoned her dog to death?

I wonder if she will ever have an encounter with chili, or if she will spend the remainder of her days in some sort of godforsaken, chili-less existance. I can only imagine a realm beyond chili: stone stairwells leading into festering cesspools of rotting mule carcasses and molten lava, vast plains of dust punished by an unmerciful sun, men and women mumbling incoherently – having ripped their own tongues out of their mouths in a vain attempt to mute their chili-lust. The inhabitants of this grim land are left to eat pasta and corn dogs that are still cold in the middle.

My friends, I confess to all of you that I have no point today. My life is an odious, execrable heap of owl dung. This is essentially the summative message of the John Larroquette Project.

Hope you had a nice Christmas!

This entry was posted in Ramblings. Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to Chilifingers

  1. Dearest Peter,

    Not to piss on your Cheerios (or Lucky Charms, or Golden Grahms, or whatever, but the substance in that bowl is NOT chili.


    Chris (from L.C.) <–born in Texas, moved in next door.

  2. *tami* says:

    maybe she didn’t want to exacerbate her gastrointestinal issues further.

  3. Sarah says:

    I think that bowl accurately depicts Campbell’s vegetable beef soup. Peter, some people were just not meant to experience the pleasure of chili, being spiritually cursed. They just have to learn to deal with it while, meanwhile, leaving more for the rest of us who can palate the awesomeness of the chili.

  4. peter says:

    argh! I didn’t even glance at that. I just grabbed a pic from google.

    Damn liberals…

  5. Richard Moll says:

    Soup appearance issues aside, I again have to question the relevance of this post to John Larroquette. I guess this could be construed as a veiled reference to the episode on “Night Court” where Harry and Roz participate in a chili cook-off, but Dan Fielding played only a nominal role in that one. Frankly, I think this is inappropriate. Please explain if I am off base on ths one.

  6. *tami* says:

    john laroquette LOOOOOOOVES chili. duh. if you were any sort of fan, you would know this.


    the super-fan

  7. _steve says:

    Chow mein = awesome

  8. Roger says:

    I don’t like chili. It would be both the pepper and the spices which offend me.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>