2004: When Apples Breathed

Merry new year!

Yes my friends, 2004 is nearly behind us. It’s been a fine year, but like a loyal family pet that is now rabid, we must take 2004 out behind the toolshed and mercilessly hack off its head with a hachet. But before we bloody our hands with such unpleasantness, let us take a moment to look back on my personal accomplishments from this 2004. I believe you will find this excercize to be unpleasant, while ultimately pointless.

-I completed graduate school and am ready to begin my new career.

-I have successfully gone out with a girl for over 9 months and she still hasn’t broken up with me.

-I have recorded and released a CD with Welmore Mile.

-I have grown a beard.

-I have somehow fathered a fully-grown mule. His name is Greg, and though he is severely handicapped, I love him deeply.

-I have learned how to operate a scissors.

-I have eaten an estimated 1400 raisins per day for the last year. By this point, my lower intestines are a veritable trail of tears for all who traverse them.

-I have obtained shoes of the highest grip and traction, that I may no longer slip on icey sidewalks or fish fillets.

-I have defiled the entire state of Michigan.

-I have gone to a couple Minnesota Twins games.

So you see, 2004 is a year that we mustn’t quickly forget. It is a significant, meaningful chapter in my life, and in the lives of several others. Perhaps, like the amber-glazed mosquito that science used to spawn a dinosaur, 2004 might someday be used to molest science and create horrible beasts with razor fangs that devour men like grapes.

Until that day, however, we have but our memories. I want to wish all of you a merry new year, and a wonderfully awkward moment at midnight on Friday night when you try to kiss the person you’ve had a crush on for months but they jerk away in revulsion.

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7 Responses to 2004: When Apples Breathed

  1. Rhonda says:

    How exactly do you defile a whole state? Or would I rather not know?

  2. Sarah says:

    I’ve had the man of my dreams jerk away in revulsion for the past 2 new year’s eves. This year I’ll dare to be different and passionately embrace someone I truly hate. Perhaps then I’ll have more luck in 2005.
    Feliz ano nuevo!

  3. stalker-girl says:

    You should be quite proud of those accomplishments there Peter….and a side note….what are you doing new years eve?? *wink wink*!! haha…just kidding!! :)
    I’ve never had anyone jerk away from me in revulsion but I wouldn’t be surprised at the rate I’ve been going…oh well, maybe 2005 will hold my “prince charming” though I’m not holding my breath!!
    good luck with your plan Sarah…let us know how that turns out!

  4. Chrissy says:

    You learned how to operate A scissors?

    I would love an explanation. :)

  5. Kathleen says:

    I was wondering how many people have traversed (or attempted to traverse) your lower intestines?

  6. Atreyu says:

    Been there. Done that. Don’t recommend it.

  7. Roger says:

    It’s amazing your girlfriend didn’t break up with you considering that whole bastard-mule incident.

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