Merry new year!
Yes my friends, 2004 is nearly behind us. It’s been a fine year, but like a loyal family pet that is now rabid, we must take 2004 out behind the toolshed and mercilessly hack off its head with a hachet. But before we bloody our hands with such unpleasantness, let us take a moment to look back on my personal accomplishments from this 2004. I believe you will find this excercize to be unpleasant, while ultimately pointless.
-I completed graduate school and am ready to begin my new career.
-I have successfully gone out with a girl for over 9 months and she still hasn’t broken up with me.
-I have recorded and released a CD with Welmore Mile.
-I have grown a beard.
-I have somehow fathered a fully-grown mule. His name is Greg, and though he is severely handicapped, I love him deeply.
-I have learned how to operate a scissors.
-I have eaten an estimated 1400 raisins per day for the last year. By this point, my lower intestines are a veritable trail of tears for all who traverse them.
-I have obtained shoes of the highest grip and traction, that I may no longer slip on icey sidewalks or fish fillets.
-I have defiled the entire state of Michigan.
-I have gone to a couple Minnesota Twins games.
So you see, 2004 is a year that we mustn’t quickly forget. It is a significant, meaningful chapter in my life, and in the lives of several others. Perhaps, like the amber-glazed mosquito that science used to spawn a dinosaur, 2004 might someday be used to molest science and create horrible beasts with razor fangs that devour men like grapes.
Until that day, however, we have but our memories. I want to wish all of you a merry new year, and a wonderfully awkward moment at midnight on Friday night when you try to kiss the person you’ve had a crush on for months but they jerk away in revulsion.