Blueprint for the New Year

Well, my friends, 2005 is finally here. Like a gluttonous man waiting for his pot pie, humanity has groaned in anticipation of this fine year. Without a doubt, 2005 will finally bring us what we have demanded – a lunar landing-based reality show where two teams of hot, nubile singles compete with other to see who can be the first to safely rocket a man to the moon and return him after cruising around in that dune buggy thing.

But aside from that, I have few personal goals for this year. Oh sure, like everybody I’d like to spend more time for myself, and spend less time gambling my savings account in horse vs. automobile racing events, but I try to go beyond this. For instance, one of my big goals for this year is to eat better and lose a couple pounds. Some people might try to succeed on willpower alone, but I know that this rarely works. My plan, however, will. Let me share with you a few key components to my weight-loss plan:

-I will run on my treadmill every night. I will do this for 7 straight hours at a full sprint while screaming at the top of my lungs and staring into a strobe light. When finished, I will administer a shot of adrenaline directly into my heart.

-I like the weight-loss results I see in those addicted to heroin. Perhaps I’ll go that route.

-I will horribly burn every inch my body with a blowtorch. Did you know that scar tissue is 10-15% lighter than healthy skin? You see, it’s research like this that puts me in the driver’s seat of life, and leaves you suckers watching me from the sidelines without disfiguring burns.

-I will personally cut you in half with hacksaw for saying that stuff about me last week.

-I will cut back on my carbs, fats, and sugars while switching over to a new diet comprised solely of cabbage, gravel, and steamed ox-flesh.

All these, combined with watching how many sweets I snack on, should make for another year of successfully achieving my goals. I’m on a hot streak after meeting 2004′s goal of avoiding further rectal infections.

Good luck, JLP buddies, and aim high!