The Flu Enchilada

Bridgette has had the flu for about a week now.

She is aching, feverish, plugged up, nauseous, coughing, and unable to sleep, swallow, or breathe. I feel so bad for her, but at the same time, her illness has helped me learn something important about myself.

You see, I am immortal.

She and I hung around on Saturday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday, and I didn’t get sick. While we weren’t kissing, we were in close proximity, and today, Friday morning, I still feel fit as a fiddle. Not only do I not have the flu now, but I now realize that I can’t remember the last time I actually had the flu – it’s been at least 6 years. My only hypothesis is that sometime during those years I must have advanced to a realm beyond men and become a demi-god of some sort. I recall eating a very peculiar enchilada in 1999 that might have done it – its taste was bitter and pungent, perhaps enough to help me ascend to eternal life.

Yesterday, I felt behooved to test this theory and make certain that I am greater than all men. I had Bridgette repeatedly cough directly into my mouth and open sores. She did so with vigor, sending her diseased particles flying into my body. I then collected roughly a pint of her flu-ridden mucus into a small milk carton and swallowed it whole. All this, and yet I still am healthy and virile. It can no longer be denied – I am impervious to the flu and all other maladies which plague the lives of mortal men.

I wish to travel back to this taco-stand that I visited in 1999 that sold me Excalibur – the Enchilda of Life. I will purchase another enchilada and give it to Bridgette to heal her of this sickness. I will rub the moist, plump enchilada on her stuffed sinuses and gaze in wonder as its powers sear away all iniquity from her body. I will then hold Excalibur aloft and summon blood-red lightning from the sky to arbitrarily kill a nearby rabbit. I shall then be christened Gorlock, Commander of Pain. Then, and only then, all will be accomplished.

Good morrow.

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10 Responses to The Flu Enchilada

  1. Jeff H says:

    Get back to us after you’ve jumped off a building.

  2. In four days, you’ll email me to tell your readers that you have the flu.

    We will laugh at you and burn this site down in response.

  3. _steve says:

    LOL…the JLP is finally back in action!!!

  4. Roger says:

    Congrats to Bridgette for coughing vigorously and managing to not throw up. (or was exposing yourself to her stomach contents part of the test, too?)

  5. Richard Moll says:

    If this were a real JLP blog, Bridgette would have deluged you with flu-ridden feces…

    You’ve gone soft, Peter.

  6. sarah says:

    Inconceivable!

  7. Mustard Seed says:

    that enchilada made you really hot too. hot like a boy

  8. Could I get a milk carton of phlegm and mucus? I’m starting a collection.

  9. *tami* says:

    you didn’t get the memo. the guy who ran that taco stand died from scabies. you are not impervious to scabies.

  10. Caleb S. says:

    you crack my shit up. i found this in school doing a project.

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