I have this theory…
Around this time of year, in wintery climates such as Minnesota’s, parking lots form massive collections of snow. Drive into any grocery store and you’ll find a long, 8-foot high pile of snow left there by friendly snow plows looking to clear off the lots. These piles are fun to play in, and provide general merriment to all who proceed near them. However, as winter begins to segue into spring, these piles slowly begin to disappear. This doesn’t happen overnight – it occurs over a period of a few weeks until what was once a grand wall of white snow looks like this:
What happens to this snow? Where is it disappearing to? Every year I scour the local television news for an investigative report on these vanishing snow drifts, but instead I’m subjected to banal tales of gang murders or wacky dogs that bark along to music. Lately, I’ve begun to think about this logically enough to answer this mystery on my own, and I think I finally have it.
Homeless people must be eating the snow.
If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. There’s all this free snow just sitting in the Target parking lot, not being guarded by anybody. Along comes Gus – a gaunt, emaciated street-dweller – and the perfect meal is sitting there, just waiting for him to feast upon it. Gus sits down, anxiously devours the snow and the dead ravens that are known to be found near such piles, and leaves feeling plump and satisfied. Maybe he tells his other hobo brethren about this rotting snow pile and they join with him the next day. Soon enough, the once-glorious pile has been reduced to a pitifully blackened stump of odiferous ice stained with bum vomit. We all know that these beggars love to eat snow more than anything else in the world – indeed, it is precisely that vice which oftentimes relegates them to their lot in life. They don’t have any conscience about feeding upon the public’s snow mounds. As society has rejected them, so they reject our norms of snow feasts and beard maintenance. It is an ongoing cycle of shame and ice-gluttony that brings us to the end of this mystery, much like every other question in our lives.
And so, my friends, if you see Gus and his like pounding this snow like it’s Sunday morning at Old Country Buffet, have mercy on him. Society has made him what he is. Clearly, we need more government assistance programs to help end this wretched cycle of depravity.