Ben Franklin: Man of Lies

When I’m not working or crapping out this nonsense for all of you, I’ve lately enjoyed the company of a very fine biography – Benjamin Franklin: An American Life, by Walter Isaacson.

Fat Benjamin

Franklin’s life was quite an amazing one, filled with wit, wisdom, contradictions, and seafood. He was a cosmopolitan individual with interests in science, philosophy, theology, politics, and homespun advice. Among Ben Franklin’s most notable accomplishments include:

-Using a kite, a wet string, and a key, proving that lightning was electricity and devising that buildings could avoid damage from lightning by using a lightning rod, which he also invented.

-In his annual Poor Richard’s Almanac, he coined such notable phrases as “Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise”, and, “Fish and guests stink after three days.”

-He defeated Craglon the Dragon King by using the Scepter of Avercron, thus ending a thousand years of human misery.

-He was an instrumental voice of moderation and compromise among America’s Founding Fathers.

-He was the first to advise Abraham Lincoln to grow a beard, and ironically was later a stableboy for Robert E. Lee before his left hand was eaten by wild dogs following the battle of Fredricksburg.

-He founded the University of Pennsylvania, along with several other philosophical clubs that exist to this day.

-He briefly served as an archenemy to the Flash.

-He coined the affectionate phrase, “Snug as a bug in a rug” for his godson William.

-He invented satellite radio, though he himself did not know it and no historian has ever made such a claim.

-His illegitimate son, Kenny Rogers, later became a country singer of some renown.

-In his early days as a printer, he molded the ‘Franklin Gothic’ font that many newspapers use to this day.

-He wrote the theme song to “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air”.

-He invented running.

-He coined a phrase often misattributed to the Bible: “God helps them that help themselves.”

-While stranded near the north pole, he singlehandedly harpooned a massive sea lion and subsisted off its raw flesh for nigh on 8 years before being rescued by Charles Lindburgh.

This entry was posted in Best of the JLP, Scholarly Reviews. Bookmark the permalink.

11 Responses to Ben Franklin: Man of Lies

  1. *tami* says:

    peter, you only mentioned crap once in this post… unless, of course, you count your reference to kenny rodgers, in which case it was twice. still, are you feeling okay?

  2. Roger says:

    Ben Franklin used barbed wire for flossing and for underclothes.

  3. chad says:

    Man, after I read this I can see why you wanted to be a teacher of social studies. I never knew any of that!

  4. peter says:

    I know! Every other teacher sucks compared to me!

  5. Atreyu says:

    Aye, I also hear that George Washington was an avid Spelunker. Who was once trapped in a cave for nigh 8 years as well. I believe he survived on only raw bat guano.

  6. stacey says:

    Peter, peter…
    I was horribly disappointed to find your comment over on my blog so deceptively NORMAL. No mention of vomit or feces anywhere. Bummer. Glad you likey, however… stop by again sometime. For the record, my bro and I have been reading JLP for a while now… and are big (albeit dumber) fans of your work. Keep it up.

  7. sarah says:

    I thought Benjamin Franklin pioneered work on the internet as well….no? And let’s not forget about his other more illegitimate son: Young Frankenstein whose name was changed from Young Franklin to protect his identity from Washington’s band of CIA renegades.

  8. Ryan says:

    That was Al Gore who invented the internet.

  9. peter says:

    I just finished the book this morning.

    Turns out the butler did it.

  10. Pingback: Ochuk’s blog » Blog Archive » Best Blog Posts of 2005

  11. Justin, or Jussy Bug 2.0 says:

    You failed to mention the invention of Jazz hands, his incredible escapades through Denver, and the Benjamin Curb, which happens to be one of the most difficult tap dance routine manuvers ever created since standing completely still. I love your hair cut.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>