This weekend, I’m headed back up with Bridgette to visit her parents in Virginia, MN. But this time, things are different.
This time, they’re filming a big-budget Hollywood movie there.
Yes, Charlize Theron, Frances McDormand, Woody Harrelson, and Sissy Spacek are all staying in the Iron Range while filming a movie about a sexual harassment lawsuit that was brought against an iron mine back in the early 90′s. Yes, all the stars are out, and Virginia has rolled out the red carpet to greet them.*
The producers have offered a crisp check for $1000 to anybody who comes up with a snappy title for the film. Desparately in need of money, I plan to spend much of the weekend stalking Woody Harrelson while shouting, “Demon Vomit!” – my proposed title. I will shadow him – staring forcefully into his eyes while eating butterscotch taffy and barking “Demon Vomit!” between chews. Woody will nod, put his hand on my shoulder, and thank me for my contribution to his career. I will then ask him how Wendt is doing. As the tears fill my eyes and roll down my cheeks at the thought of my beloved Wendt, Harrelson will lick the tears off my face. There is no doubt about it.
When not stalking Woody Harrelson, I also hope to spend time helping Charlize Theron get into character by sexually harassing her, describing in vivid detail what my father looks like naked.
All in all, it looks to be a satisfying weekend. Unless I get scabies.
*Virginia has no red carpet whatsoever, metaphorical or otherwise.