The Awkward Man-Crush

There is nothing so gloriously awkward as when one man develops a platonic crush on another man.

Yes, sometimes envy and admiration of a cool, successful, handsome, man crosses that line – that line where one is no longer celebrating mere friendship, but something deeper and profoundly unnerving. The weaker man begins to worship and idolize the greater man, much like a 13-year old middle-school girl might long for Corey Haim.

I have had my allotment of man-crushes over the years, but none greater than for a gentleman named John Hermanson, a local musician of some repute (Alva Star: hazy power-pop, Storyhill: plaintive acoustic duo, and Olympic Hopefuls: ripping indie-pop).

John and I are merely “just friends” now, but that change has not repressed the shamefully awkward memories I have of my former man-crush towards him. When Welmore Mile recruited John to produce our first album it was done out of sheer platonic man-lust for his talents, his perfect teeth, and his soulful eyes. During the first few days in the studio, his decrees went unchallenged. He could have suggested that we replace my vocal tracks with the brayings of a donkey with a broken knee, and I would have vigorously nodded my head in agreement. I also burned countless calories in hyperactive attempts to make Hermanson laugh, for in platonic man-crushes, making your crush laugh is the equivalent to a 4-hour makeout session.

There was also one unspeakable moment in the studio where our eyes met meaningfully, and we did what felt only natural at the time. We followed the trail of this man-crush to its inevitable conclusion, and pledged to never speak of it to anybody. There’s probably a sound-recording of it somewhere on his hard drive. We also ate pancakes and I told him all my secrets.

Things between Hermanson and I are back to normal now. We worked together long enough for the crush to wear off and for some good ol’ hatred to seep in. We even had a healthy knife-fight back in ’03 where I killed his baby. It’s much healthier this way, and we may work together again in the future. Like the 13-year old girl who grows up and realizes that Corey Haim is probably a child molester or something, I have moved on from my man-crush on John Hermanson. I’m too old too be bothered with stuff like that.

Besides, I like Donald Sutherland now.

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13 Responses to The Awkward Man-Crush

  1. Thom says:

    Thank God. At the start I thought you were going to proclaim a man crush on Brett Michaels from Poison or Gene Simmons or someone. I am very relieved.

  2. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    I am also relieved. I feared he was going to proclaim a man-crush on me!

  3. Adam says:

    I want to listen to “Needle in Your Heart” right now.

  4. peter says:

    heh, Brett Michaels. I hate that guy…

    And yes Adam, the breakup-perfection of “Needle in Your Heart” is one of the reasons for the development of my man-crush on Hermanson.

  5. Is this where I admit my Peter Welle man-crush?

  6. *tami* says:

    i hope he doesn’t read this. that might be uncomfortable… of course, i would laugh at you…

  7. Tim says:

    Ah yes, I remember the Hermanson man-crush all too well. It was cool until you started making Karl put on his “Hermanson wig” and sleep with you in the bottom bunk (the droning of The Fan didn’t always conceal Karl’s cries for help); no wonder he’s a metrosexual…

  8. Atreyu says:

    Poor Karl. I wish you wouldn’t have shared that Tim. I don’t think I’ll be able to look at Karl the same way now. I’m just going to feel so bad for him everytime I see him any where. I mean we’ve all had Peter try and do that to us before, but to not be strong enough to fight off his advances…. Wow, Poor Karl.

  9. Roger says:

    Peter, you’re as fickle as the Maine weather…

  10. J-Dub says:

    I’m glad I chose today to read your wisdom, big guy. I feel so much closer to you now, Peter, knowing that we’ve shared the same crush. I ‘m hoping this makes it into John’s liner notes one day.

  11. ted says:

    Spring… when a young man’s thoughts turn to another young man? JLP distorts another accepted norm.

  12. Richard Moll says:

    I think I had a man-crush once. I was at a restaurant, and I ordered a reuben with french fries. One of the french fries was attractive, and I didn’t want to eat it. I sat there for at least a couple of hours, wondering what to do with my attraction. Was it from God? Did God want me to become “one in the flesh” with the lowl french fry. I mean, it was lukewarm at best by then… Then it got thousand island dressing on it, which pretty much sucked.

  13. peter says:

    I can really empathize with your pain. I demonstrate this by making pained expressions and putting my hand uncomfortably on your shoulder. I will now briefly pray with you before quickly departing to go have fun with my friends.

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