You Zig, I Zag!

I just ate a couple Ding Dongs.

Dong Me

I know where all of you think I’m going with this. I’m sure you all think I’m going to wander off on some disgusting diatribe about how I ate the Ding Dongs at an alarmingly rapid rate, causing me to vomit a 10-foot high fountain of sugary Hostess creme mixed with stomach acid. You probably expect me to detail for you how the vomit splashed all over the Dean’s nice suit, and I got kicked out of school, forcing me to spend my days sleeping under benches and drinking the bitter fluid that drained out of a nearby septic tank. You think I’m so predictable that I’d go on and on describing how my love for Ding Dongs causes me to engage in unnatural acts with them until the back of my jeans are stained with filling and my hair is slicked with a malodorous substance of unknown origin. I’m certain that you expect me to elaborate on the irregularity and looseness of my bowels, and ponder why there is so much blood in my stool (seriously, the toilet looks like I dumped a bunch of Chef Boyardee in there when I’m through with it).

Well forget it. That’s not what I’m all about. I’m better than that. I just wanted you to know about how I like Ding Dongs. That it. I don’t need to gross you guys out to get laughs; there’s no need to get bizarre. I don’t even like that kind of humor. You guys need to get a life. Seriously, just grow up.

Also, I killed a rat with a hammer.

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17 Responses to You Zig, I Zag!

  1. Thom says:

    Man…I’m bummed you didn’t go in the other direction.

  2. I hate you, Peter.

  3. _steve says:

    Did you eat the rat?

  4. peter says:

    _steve-
    The rat’s name was Michael. And no, I didn’t eat it, but I fed it to a dog.

  5. Phil says:

    Mmmmm . . . Chef Boyardee. Er, um, I mean, Mmmmm . . . Ding Dongs.

  6. Roger says:

    LOL. You juked me out of my sneakers!

    Roger (doesn’t like Ding Dongs)

  7. *tami* says:

    You disappoint me, Peter.

  8. Sarah says:

    Peter,
    Have you ever considered becoming a weight-loss motivational speaker? Your stories inspire me enough not to eat, and to hate the foods I once used to love.

  9. ted says:

    The more I read the more I come to the conclusion that the legend fortold to me by the gypsy queen about return of the spirit of Andy Kaufman and Bruce lee’s spirit into one body has finally come to pass.

  10. *tami* says:

    Peter, this so made me think of you… it was a little scary.

    http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/pearls/archive/images/pearls20050112205522.gif

    (Just go to the friggin’ link.)

  11. lori says:







    you don’t even like that kind of humor? Peter, you’ve been dragging us along by a rope behind your pickup truck of lies! You don’t like writing about loose bowels? I bet you don’t even really like killing rats with hammers. I hope you choke on one of your beloved dingdongs.

  12. lori says:

    What?! you don’t even like that kind of huomor? Peter, I’m shocked… you’ve been dragging us along by a rope behind your pickup truck of lies! You don’t like writing about loose bowels? I bet you don’t even like killing rats with hammers. I hope you choke on one of your beloved dingdongs.

  13. Mustard Seed says:

    i am falling in love with you peter.

  14. peter says:

    Lori-
    Your “dragging us by a rope behind your pickup truck of lies” comment was one of my favorite ever! Very disturbing.

  15. dreamer1984 says:

    Mmmmmm….Ding Dongs. I so love hearing about your loose bowels, unnatural acts, and all the acidic vomit that your beloved Ding Dongs cause you. Too bad you don’t like discussing that with all your loyal stalkers…er…fans.

  16. lori says:

    Ah, Peter, I was inspired by the glory that is the John Larroquette Project… or however you spell it. That and the drugs. I kept trying to figure out how to work dingdong into a sexual innuendo, but it didn’t work out.
    And I really don’t hope you choke on a dingdong.

  17. Chris says:

    Amazing… simpy amazing, sir! Until five seconds ago i was starving to the point of eating the candle next to me out of laziness, but now… now i feel like shoving said candle into my eyes, blinding them so as to punish them for reading such.. interesting material… Keep up the superb work and i’ll definately be stopping by once in a while to see what’s new…. See ya and beware the choking power of the dingdong…

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