Presidents Day!

Yesterday we celebrated President’s Day. As a lover of history and a man who finds a deeply unnatural satisfaction in gazing at pictures of Lincoln, it was a day of celebration and merriment. Like many holidays, President’s Day is all about tradition – we have the Christmas tree, 4th of July fireworks, and all the requisite Armistice Day stuff (i.e. fudge).

For President’s Day, I like to jump out of bed and draw a portrait of our 15th president, James Buchanan, from memory. All the details, from his firm eyes, chiseled nose, to the beard he may or may not have had. I put it all in there, baby. Following this, I ritualistically burn Chester Alan Arthur in effigy on my front lawn to denounce his isolationist tarriffs and to mock his portly frame. While doing this, I drink cheap wine straight from the bottle and lunge awkwardly towards those who approach me. I bark at them, “Sic semper tyrannis! Thus be it ever to tyrants! Chet Arthur is a bloated scallywag who seeks coitus in the arms of strumpets!” My hot, acidic spittle flies into the eyes and mouths of the horrified passersby as I fire my antique pistols into the air.

Then I have a sandwich for lunch.

For the remainder of the day, I will relax, perhaps read a presidential biography, and more than likely build an altar of human bones and swine-flesh while attempting to summon the living spirit of Warren Harding (who served the shortest term as president – 29 days). Warren and I will josh each other and chew the fat – I will bring him up to speed on the last 81 years of human development and he will show me what it feels like to make out with a ghost. So it all works out.

Yes, President’s Day is my 19th-favorite day of the year, and yesterday proved to be no exception. I celebrated, I remembered, I lashed out in fury, and I somehow lost two pints of plasma. Had he been there, Honest Abe would have been proud. Then I would probably have shot him again.

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6 Responses to Presidents Day!

  1. *tami* says:

    You said “strumpet.”

  2. Mike Kauls says:

    Obviously you’re not working today.

  3. peter says:

    Prep period, Mike. It’s a golden time of day for blogging!

  4. Adam says:

    Peter this is one made me laugh pretty hard. Best of for sure.

  5. Roger says:

    This is pretty messed up. In other words, I love it!

  6. sarah says:

    I applaud your efforts to celebrate this momentus holiday. Your rituals sound more entertaining than the annual tradition of mine of carving George Washington’s head out of an apple before I delightfully devour it.
    Maybe next year we can take that apple and put in on the head of a wax figure of Abe Lincoln and shoot arrows at them. After that we can dress like Indians and dump tea into the Mississippi. We can scalp the crew of whatever ship we take over to get the bones for your altar to Pres. Harding and maybe take out a few postal workers along the way to denounce the stamp tax. Then maybe it will move up to your 18th favorite day at least.

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