My Day of Agony

I’m finally starting to feel better.

For four days, I’ve suffered through a brutal sore throat, probably obtained from one of my students. My esophagas felt like it had been raped by dolphins. My throat was red, raw, and ravaged. My head felt as if every cavity in my substantial skull was brimming with chunky mucous, or perhaps a fruit cocktail of some sort. Given the texture of whatever substance I was sneezing up, I cannot be certain of it’s origins, but I can’t rule out demonic influence. My head throbbed in pain. My body ached, as if I had been pummelled by a gang of rock-wielding, low-income gnomes in my sleep.

To make matters worse, my girlfriend managed to mock me in my fiercest moment of pain. We were having pizza to relax and take my mind off the pain when it happened. I picked up a slice of fresh, piping-hot pepperoni pizza and delivered it through my anxious, salivating lips when I felt the pain begin. The skin on the roof of my mouth melted away like bloody wax, as the entire flap of cheese and meat from my slice proceeded to slip off the crust and flop onto my lip and chin. I bobbed my head forward in panic, moaning as I felt my lower lip burn. I tried to bite away the flaming cheese flap, but I was unable to. In my mind’s beleaguered state, I did not think to release the flaming cheese flap from my mouth and onto my plate until too late. Meanwhile, Bridgette was giggling hysterically. In hindsight, I can see the humor in watching a groaning, uncoordinated man flail in agony as his lips and mouth are destroyed by searing cheese, but I didn’t manage to see it at that moment as it was happening to me.

I spent the rest my night with an ice cube on my puffed, red lip and a bruised ego. It was the most unpleasant day of my life. It was literally worse than being cooked alive.

Stop laughing at me.

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9 Responses to My Day of Agony

  1. Adam says:

    Brijjet has a good sense of humor!

  2. Saudi Arabian Guy says:


    The only Godly response to her mockery is to thrust her face into the hot pizza. She shamed you, and by glancing over her imprudence, you have made it more likely that she will be stoned in accordance with the will of Allah.

  3. dreamer1984 says:

    I can’t think of anything witty to say in response to this post. So, I’ll just agree with Adam. But the Saudi has a point. Something more should have been done to soothe your ego…as well as your burnt mouth.

  4. Baby Beluga says:

    “MY espohagus felt like it had been raped by dolphins”…..classic! I think that’s one of your best similes yet ;o)

  5. peter says:

    Thanks, BB. Always nice to know someone who enjoys a good simile.

  6. Roger says:

    I’m still laughing at you. :lol:

  7. ted says:

    I think all of us have had things like that happen while spending alone time with Peter’s girlfriend… Oh no. I might have said to much… I ment with Peter’s pizza…. yeah….

  8. Mustard Seed says:

    i don’t come to this site everyday just to see no updates. this is a violation of my rights to the jlp

  9. scott says:

    that was the longest yet most satisfying descriptions of pizza burn. i hate when it happens to me, yet i laughed when reading your description. :)

    glad you are starting to feel better throat wise.

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