Old Man Winter is a cruel and unmerciful tyrant.
Over the weekend, in his seeming beneficence he granted us Minnesotans a reprieve from the bitter chills of winter as the temperature warmed up to the mid-60′s. People were out jogging, pastel colors were again in play, and the joy was palapable.
Then, like a punch to the collective testicles of this state, we got snow and freezing weather again on Monday.
He does this to us most years, being the wiley bitch that he is, and each year we fall for the same ploy. The weather warms, and our thoughts turn again to youthful romance, blossoms, and baseball. Then the dark prince of winter plucks out our eyes with his subzero windchills and repeatedly plunges red-hot blades into our flesh with his late-season snowstorms.
I propose that we build a robot to destroy Old Man Winter in hand-to-hand combat. It should be equipped with bazookas, lasers, machine guns and harpoons. Its design will be based on that thing from Robocop:
This robot will be named SCOTT and its primary objective will be to ruthlessly destroy Old Man Winter. It will pop off his head like a grape and crush his bones like mixed nuts. It will whip him with chains. It will feed his bloated, evil carcass to mountain lions. After the mountain lions have devoured him. SCOTT will then strangle the mountain lions to death and eat them himself, digesting them and Old Man Winter as they pass through his seven robotic stomaches before passing them in the form of sloppy, acidic robot diarrhea.
I fully expected to see my own visage under “cruel, unmerciful tyrant”. You have disappointed me yet again, Welle.
Does SCOTT stand for anything in particular?
Sarah-
Of course not. Don’t be stupid.
You used some form of ‘pass’ twice in the same sentence.
What a loser.
(:-P)
It could’ve stood for Super-Cool-Old-Timer-Thawer for all I knew.
I think the idea is stupid….after all, everyone knows Old Man Winter is just a myth; like the tooth fairy or Santa Claus.
Sorry folks for the bitter reality check, but someone had to tell ya
SCOTT – Savage Crusher Of Truculent Tyrants. I think it best we leave SCOTT in commission to take out tyrant after tyrant, from Old Man Winter to George Steinbrenner to the Snuggle® Bear. SCOTT would be a public hero and children could safely climb on his gentle arsenal of just savagery. the only problem would be if one of the children was destined to tyrantdom, in which case we’d have one less tyrant and one more batch of killer robot diarrhea on our hands! or covering us entirely, depending on how closely we were standing.
In order to get rid of winter, you need to blind that groundhog. You know, the one who sees his shadow EVERY SINGLE YEAR.
He won’t see a thing after a nice red-hot poker.
why does winter have an ‘old man’? is there a ‘bikini babe’ for summer?
– confused in new orleans