Unwelcomed Onions

I was really hungry that night, so my friend and I decided to go out and grab something to eat. Like a polar bear craves baby seals, I was craving fettucini alfredo. However, when the food arrived, I noticed that my fettucini alfredo had a uniquely unwelcome flavor to it. I examined the dish. To my horror, I discovered that my fettucini alfredo was riddled with onions.

They may as well have had the waitress take a sloppy dump onto my plate.

I don’t unequivically dislike onions – given the right surroundings, their husky tang can be a welcome addition to my palette. But we can all agree that fettucini alfredo should contain nary an onion. To choke such a delicacy with scores of the foulest onion chunks is akin to hiring Mel Torme to smoothy croon at your wedding, but then forcing him to sing “Barbie Girl” 70 times consecutively before beheading him. That is exactly what this was like. It was also akin to releasing Slobodon Milosovic from prison in order to give him bionic implants, creating a robotic exoskeleton equipped with poison spray and Dolby surround sound. He would be christened Slobotron Milosotron 9000, and would bring candy and ethnic cleansing to all the children of the world while defying the U.N. with computer-enhanced swear words, understood only by those who have studied the ancient Carpathian languages.

Yes, that perfectly encapsulates what it’s like to put onions in fettucini alfredo.

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17 Responses to Unwelcomed Onions

  1. Thom says:

    Would he recite the philosphies of Viggo (or whatever the moster’s name was in Ghostbusters 2…I believe that guy was a Carpathian)???

  2. Actually … I kinda like onions in my alfredo sauce, as long as it’s just a hint and doesn’t overpower the dish.

  3. Thom: IMDB has Ghostbusters II‘s villain as “Vigo”, played by Wilhelm von Homburg. This has been a test of the IMDB Minutiae System. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have heard the sound of a meatflop prior to being hit in the head with a salted nut roll.


  4. The Kev says:

    I refuse to believe you ordered any dish with more than three syllables (not counting “and fries”), so I must call you out on your blatant lie.

  5. Thom says:

    Thanks…I can’t access the IMDB from work. So, I did pretty good in remembering a movie I haven’t seen in ten hour-er-years.

  6. peter says:

    Thank you Geof, for your thoroughly pointless comment.

  7. Anytime, Peter! I love useless minutiae.

  8. _steve says:

    You can’t spell Slobodan Milosevic, and you’re a teacher? ;)

  9. Slobby Milosevic says:

    There will be no candy, only unsalted,stale potato chips before the ethnic cleansing begins. Call me a bastard….I don’t care.

  10. scott says:

    how would the surround sound on milosevic work exactly? like that contraption at sam’s to demonstrate the bose speakers where the speakers extend out? weird.

    oh, and i hate onions with alfredo sauce. gross.

  11. Roger says:

    Hippie unions, all gettin’ on your plate and spreading their diseased, filthy taste all over your scrumptious meal.


  12. BEVA says:

    What is a carpathian anyways… fish maybe?

  13. The Kev says:

    Was there Bacon? Was this a carbonera-type fettucini? If so, onions come with the territory, and this was your fault.

    What bug me are peas in fettucini. On their own, peas are an above average vegetable, but in Fettucini, they don’t really make a lot of sense…

  14. peter says:

    This was no carbonera, it was simply fettucini alfredo. At least it was, until they released the hellish onion-hounds upon it.

    If they’d have put peas in there, I might have had to stab somebody.

  15. BEVA says:

    I am enjoying this blog much, keep up the good work. I am glad someone else is random as well.

  16. MJ says:

    Peter, I got a copy of the Rock & Roll Induction.

  17. Chris says:

    Mother of Mercy! Onions in fettucini alfredo?! that’s just wrong, man… and as a Carpathian myself, i can think of some choice words for whoever it was that corrupted you fettucini alfredo… freakin’ ay… That’s freakin’ like Slobodon Milosotron 9000 notjust with poison spray and Dolby, but with rockets that shoot out of ‘is arse… arse rockets… “we can rebuild him, we have the technology… but i don’t want to spend a lot of money.”

    oh, and BEVA, a Carpathian is someone from the Carpathian Mountain range of eastern Europe.

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