I was really hungry that night, so my friend and I decided to go out and grab something to eat. Like a polar bear craves baby seals, I was craving fettucini alfredo. However, when the food arrived, I noticed that my fettucini alfredo had a uniquely unwelcome flavor to it. I examined the dish. To my horror, I discovered that my fettucini alfredo was riddled with onions.
They may as well have had the waitress take a sloppy dump onto my plate.
I don’t unequivically dislike onions – given the right surroundings, their husky tang can be a welcome addition to my palette. But we can all agree that fettucini alfredo should contain nary an onion. To choke such a delicacy with scores of the foulest onion chunks is akin to hiring Mel Torme to smoothy croon at your wedding, but then forcing him to sing “Barbie Girl” 70 times consecutively before beheading him. That is exactly what this was like. It was also akin to releasing Slobodon Milosovic from prison in order to give him bionic implants, creating a robotic exoskeleton equipped with poison spray and Dolby surround sound. He would be christened Slobotron Milosotron 9000, and would bring candy and ethnic cleansing to all the children of the world while defying the U.N. with computer-enhanced swear words, understood only by those who have studied the ancient Carpathian languages.
Yes, that perfectly encapsulates what it’s like to put onions in fettucini alfredo.