Ancient Male Bonding Traditions

Yesterday, Adam and I had a celebration of our masculinity. The festivities were far deeper and more significant than any “Wild at Heart” study guide could possibly have suggested. In no way did we discuss our goals, dreams, desires, or utter lack thereof. We did not encourage one another, nor did we make eye contact.

Instead, we grilled meat and then feasted upon it.

As our steaks roasted over the open flames, so the bonds of our friendship were seared and sealed. As the bovine flesh browned and sizzled, so did our hearts warm towards one another. Our incisors tore the meat, our tongues savored the flavor of the flesh, our molars pounded the steak into a husky pulp, and our esophogases hastily dismissed it to the stomach to be digested. While we consumed the grilled meat, we were entertained by the cynical, antisocial tidings of Seinfeld. Adam and I laughed and grunted our approval through our mouths stuffed with seasoned flesh. Truly I say to you, we eagerly ate the steaks, and it was good.

I don’t expect any of my women readers to understand the significance of this particular male-bonding ceremony. Indeed, I anticipate them to be revolted, as they traditionally are to my exploits. Well ladies, you can keep your deep talks, secret-sharing, pillow fights, and pajama parties. I would much rather have a gutteral meat-feast any day of the damn week. Anybody who thinks otherwise should just shut up and let me punch them.

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10 Responses to Ancient Male Bonding Traditions

  1. Nikki says:

    Way to generalize oh Great One of the blog world.

    I’ve been told by a lot of people (friends, parents, even doctors) that I’m a female, but truthfully I would rather consume cow flesh than share my innermost thoughts with some females.

    Oh, and I do agree that anyone who thinks pillowfighting and sleepovers are more important bonding experiences than good ol’ american grilling should be punched in the mouth.

  2. Sarah says:

    I agree with Nikki on this one.

    I long for the flavor of flame kissed- yet-still mooing- masticated cow flesh to arouse my taste buds. I’ll take a steak fight over a pillow fight anyday.Then afterwards, I like to take out my gun and start shooting anything that moves (or at beer cans if nothing else) before going to the bar to shoot pool.

    Girl bonding experiences??? Peter, you have no idea what they involve. You believe exactly what we’ve wanted you to believe.

  3. Candy ass says:

    And I, as a male, would much prefer to share my innermost thoughts with a woman over an organic mixed greens salad and a glass of cabernet (or Riesling, if we’re feeling sassy). I would feel good knowing that she trusted me enough to know that I would never want anything deeper than friendship.

    That’s my idea of a good time.

  4. I really want to quote some Denis Leary right now.

  5. Nikki says:

    Candy ass, you’re strange. Sarah, YOU ROCK!!

  6. Sarah says:

    Candy ass, I’m in the mood for Riesling if you are….

    Thanks Nikki!

  7. scott says:

    i’m going to be grilling some bovine flesh this weekend. i’m actually going to be getting a new grill tomorrow. i’m glad you were able to bond with the steaks and seinfeld. is there another situation where male bonding can be done without the stupid sharing of feelings?

  8. Adam says:

    I’m glad you told the wild tale of our incisors and molars. That is good stuff.

  9. Kevin says:


    Um… Final Four? Duh…

    Although, watching the Michigan State Spartans emasculate the wussy East Coast Tar Heels might be slightly awkward, in an “Ed Norton – Prison Rape Scene” sort of way…

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