A Celebration!

I got a job today! Let the celebration begin!


Prepare the fatted calf! Bring it before me that I might hack off its head with my blade of sharpened iron! My servants will bring the flesh to be cooked for my celebratory feast. I will devour the hot meat swiftly and its sweet juices will drip down my chin. My servants will encase the calf’s head in bronze and attach it as an unholy headpiece to my throne of skulls.

Bring me the daughters of mine enemies that they might dance for me and that I might be amused! Be sure to warn them that if they displease me, I will throw a spear through their brain at a moment’s notice. Bring me the finest lute players in the land, that I might be soothed by their sweet lute solos. I will command them to perform an exact cover of “Eruption” by Van Halen, and if they fail to do so, they will likewise be speared mercilessly.

Bring me my enemies, that I might crush their bones into dust, and pour their blood down the stairwells of my castle and pollute my moat with their fluid remains. I will use their skulls as my special drinking goblets, creating a set of 8 – just enough in case we ever have company and want to impress them.

Bring me peasants, that I might force them to fight each other to the death in my presence! I will equip them with mallets and rocks, and the winner will be rewarded with a small bag of silver pieces and a kiss from the Princess before being summarily executed.

Let the word go out! The celebration of my new job begins at dusk tonight!


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12 Responses to A Celebration!

  1. Congratulations … unless you’re digging ditches or something similarly (banana!) craptacular.

  2. MJ says:

    Peter, I wouldn’t call being “accepted” for plasma donation a “job”.

  3. peter says:

    i got logged in as peter somehow. That’s cool, i guess. I wonder what my new job is. I’m gonna log out, but i figured it’d be wrong to not abuse my power once before i leave. So i’m gonna add the word banana to Geof’s message. I hope that’s cool with you guys.


  5. scott says:

    in honor of your new job, i took two beers and doused myself in them, licking up the beer as if the liquid coming out was sweet nectar, then i screamed “woooo!” i then took some bovine flesh and slapped it on the grill. after consuming the meat, i drank another beer. congratulations!

  6. Roger says:

    Your celebration started at midnight? Man…I missed it. I bring in honor of the occation last night’s drool from my pillow.


  7. peter says:

    Roger, bring it closer. This pleases me.

    I grow weary of Scott. Take him away.


  8. Your new boss says:


    I find your post ironic in light of our vegetarian leanings. Hopefully, this is some kind of sick joke…


    Larry Fitzsimmons
    Marketing Manager
    People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA)

  9. Roger says:

    If the vegetarian leans far enough, maybe we can kick him into the fire.

    Roast vegetarian for all! Huzzah!

  10. Sarah says:

    I’ve repeatedly fired my pistols in the air in honor of your new position and inadvertantly landed 5 geese. This must be a really lucky sign for you Peter. Huzzah and gaffaw! :)

  11. Mustard Seed says:

    the way you stroked my hair peter.. i just hope nothing happens to change the way we see/onion each other

  12. Atreyu says:

    Hey that’s …… “Um Awesome?”

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