I got a job today! Let the celebration begin!
Prepare the fatted calf! Bring it before me that I might hack off its head with my blade of sharpened iron! My servants will bring the flesh to be cooked for my celebratory feast. I will devour the hot meat swiftly and its sweet juices will drip down my chin. My servants will encase the calf’s head in bronze and attach it as an unholy headpiece to my throne of skulls.
Bring me the daughters of mine enemies that they might dance for me and that I might be amused! Be sure to warn them that if they displease me, I will throw a spear through their brain at a moment’s notice. Bring me the finest lute players in the land, that I might be soothed by their sweet lute solos. I will command them to perform an exact cover of “Eruption” by Van Halen, and if they fail to do so, they will likewise be speared mercilessly.
Bring me my enemies, that I might crush their bones into dust, and pour their blood down the stairwells of my castle and pollute my moat with their fluid remains. I will use their skulls as my special drinking goblets, creating a set of 8 – just enough in case we ever have company and want to impress them.
Bring me peasants, that I might force them to fight each other to the death in my presence! I will equip them with mallets and rocks, and the winner will be rewarded with a small bag of silver pieces and a kiss from the Princess before being summarily executed.
Let the word go out! The celebration of my new job begins at dusk tonight!