Subway’s Betrayal

I recently heard some news that hit me like a sucker punch to the groin:

Subway has discontinued the use of Subway Stamps.

The End of the Dream

With the passage of this decree, America’s once bright and shining future has been replaced with a grim landscape of lava pits and horse carcasses. Literally, everything that Martin Luther King Jr. fought and died for has now been crushed beneath the oppressive leaden buns of Subway’s toasted subs.

Why would Subway do such a thing? Were they losing too much money on the 6″ Sub giveaways? How much could those things cost, 19 cents a pop? Was it too much of an administrative nightmare for Subway clerks to accept filled-out stamp cards instead of US currency? They seem to be able to neatly wrap up my sandwich with relative efficiency, they can’t handle this?!

This is particularly sad for me because I was hoping to present the gift of filled-out Subway cards to my friends Karl and Maren at their wedding. There is truly nothing so romantic as eating fresh. Now I’ll have to go with my backup plan, the collectors edition DVD of Dunston Checks In, which may likely precipitate a hasty divorce. Fricking Subway…

At this point, given my shock over these developments, I cannot be held responsible for my actions. I may well be forced to defecate onto a slice of Wonder bread and savor it as a delicacy. In my confusion, I may consume an entire deck of Skip-Bo cards (with ketchup). Quite honestly, I don’t know what the hell is going to happen, but I suspect that it won’t be pretty. When it all goes down, and you’re reading the horrible details of my torturous demise in the paper on Monday, I want all of you to go to Subway and order a 12″ meatball sub on parmesean oregano bread. I want you to take that sandwich and feed it to an owl. When the owl has finished eating it, you must then drown it. After a brief moment of silence, return to Subway and heave its bloated body at the first employee you see.

And somewhere up in heaven, Dr. King will be smiling.

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9 Responses to Subway’s Betrayal

  1. scott says:

    those cheap bastards! i’ve heard various stories, but some stores still give the stamps away. i first heard they discontinued the cards for the stamps, you know, so you wouldn’t want to save them because you couldn’t keep them in a safe place. then i found a place with a lot of cards and stocked up. fight the power!

    before you go out and splurge for the criterion edition of ‘dunston checks in’, look up ed i found the monkey acting much more realistic.

  2. Dunston says:

    I resent that.

  3. Maren says:

    I am devastated.

    I am not sure how we will survive, knowing this now.

    I think I will have to listen to a LOT of whitney houston and celine dion now in an attempt to nurse this deep wound.

  4. kevin S. says:

    Of course, we can never set foot in a Subway again. Sigh… To think, I’ll never again experience the joy of asking for oregano and oil on my sandwich, and getting jalapenos and mayonnaise because the dude putting on the toppings doesn’t speak any English.

    Quiznos is better anyway, and they had those sponge monkeys, which were genius…

  5. Rachel says:

    The stamps were being sold on the internet – presumably in bulk. Jerks ruining it for the rest of us.

  6. Sarah says:

    I too have heard rumors….I will therefore boycott Subway for fulfilling the creed “there’s no such thing as a free lunch–even with the purchase of a medium sized beverage”….Alas, I will miss being able to impress random Subway clientele by ordering my sub completely in Spanish (it’s the only way to get the order right anyhow).

    Adieu Subway…parting is such sweet sorrow!

  7. Roger says:

    Turns out the owl was not quite dead (apparently he was pining for the stamps…). Anyway, when I tried to heave it at the Subway employee, the bird awoke and gouged out the employees eyes with its mighty talons. It then reached in with its curled beak and began yanking on the optic nerve. I vomited into the sliced olives.

  8. peter says:

    Very well done, Roger!

    When you left me you were but the learner, now you are the master.

  9. lauren says:

    Stick with Blimpie’s they still have the punch cards and taste better anyway.

    *side note* skipbo was such a fun game!

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