Mawsome!

Some males, like myself, live in a world of unmarried contentedness. We eat, sleep, and defecate as we please, with little to no regard for the opinions of others. We live to please our wretched excesses, watch the Simpsons, and eat Pop-Tarts. This is the intended condition of man.

There are some who choose to leave our ranks and cross the line into marriage. They are unaware that their sweet, wholesome fiances will be transformed into a fire-breathing Nagzilla whose accursed commands will incessantly pour forth like some beating drum of the damned.

When men chose to traverse this course in life, they must first be punished by their friends.

My friend Tim got married last year, and we made him eat some nasty SPAM. This was a gruesome, unnecessary exercise that managed to get the message across to him. Now, my old bunk-mate Karl is getting married in a week or so, and this weekend was his turn.

A few folks (including Tim) went to the grocery store and purchased a package of the most disgusting-looking meat they had ever seen in their life. It was called “maw”:
The foulest flesh

When we slapped the wrinkly flesh onto the grill, it’s sizzling gave off a pungent aroma that was less-than-appetizing. We poured some BBQ sauce on it to fix that, and Karl’s once-sunny demeanor began to sour as he reflected on what he was about to consume. After a bit, the maw began to inflate distressingly, and a quick bit of online research revealed that maw is hog stomach. Perfect! When we flipped over the maw, stomach juices poured out of it and were licked up by the flames.
Sizzling maw

When Karl was finally forced to bite into it, he spent about a minute chewing on one bite. He reported that it had the consistancy of a fatty tendon. We commanded him to swallow and eat another bite. The maw had the characteristics of a deflated football bladder – it’s elasticity was sickening to the eye. To Karl’s credit, he gave it an honest try, but couldn’t eat more than a bite or two before we called it off.

Someday, maybe years from now, when Karl is married and his soul has long since been deadened to the pleasures of this world, Karl will look back fondly on the maw. Yes, he will long to return to the maw, perhaps even calling out to the maw in his sleep. Though it will now be too late, Karl will cry out in sorrow and hope for one last bite of its rubbery, stomachy goodness.

What a mistake...

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25 Responses to Mawsome!

  1. Josh says:

    From one who was there, your account of this experience is surprisingly more accurate than I suspected it would be. It makes me wonder how true to life the rest of your stories have been. I’ve always assumed that you were making most of those things up just for effect, but now I realize that you are a very sick and disgusting man.

  2. Maren says:

    Nice work, Karl! I am so proud of you!

  3. peter says:

    Josh-

    I know, I’m actually quite troubled!

  4. J-Dub says:

    You’re tempting me to leave vegetarianism!!

  5. kevin says:

    Peter,

    So, are you living on Karl’s shoulder now? You look like his guardian angel… That would be tragic.

    Karl: Gee, Maren seem down in the dumps since we argued last night. Maybe I should buy her flowers.

    Peter: No, dress up as former Vice President John Calhoun, and annex your bedroom in defiance of the tariff act of 1928.

    Karl: I don’t see how that will help anything.

    Peter: Do not displease me! I will burn you like a ceremonial calf!

  6. scott says:

    i’m still laughing. the pictures really told the whole story. it would have been hard to imagine the maw or the bbq sauce that you used to douse the maw. maybe marinating the maw would have gotten karl past two bites.

  7. karlquick says:

    Actually, it took me more like 10 or 15 minutes to chew the first bite. There’s a great video clip I have where when I bite off the bite, the inside lining of the stomach stretches like a rubber band until it snaps into my mouth.

  8. Lara says:

    Makes me want to avoid marriage, and I’m not even a man!

  9. Dana says:

    For some reason when I read your stories I can stomach the words even though they are literally disturbing at times… but these photos take the cake. Fear Factor has nothing on the rituals of the Rock in MN. God save the future kings.

  10. Bill Whalen says:

    Man….I can’t believe he actually ate it! That’s amazing! Prayer does amazing things for people in strife.

  11. Thom says:

    Well…I think as long as I know Peter, I will avoid marriage. Yeah, I know the hazing builds character in an awkward way…but I think I will remain blissfully stationary in this area of life.

  12. Mark Cramer says:

    Wow!!! I am getting nervous!!

  13. Sarah says:

    I say when Peter gets married, Karl should make him pupusas filled with maw and haggis which he will have to eat until he vomits.

  14. kevin S. says:

    I think that we should pick on of Peter’s food related blogs (“dairy queen”, “turducken” et al…) and make him actually do it…

  15. Marty says:

    Once again, thanks to Peter for giving me another case of night tremors.

  16. Adam says:

    I’m glad I wasn’t invited to that!

  17. chad says:

    I have been married for almost eight years and I now love the taste of ‘Maw’. I wish I could have been there to finish what Karl could not.

  18. Rachel says:

    Chad –

    You can get Maw Tacos at the Mercado Central in Minneapolis. From what I hear, they are quite popular among the Latino’s. Mmmmm stomache.

  19. Mustard Seed says:

    i remember when i myself got my first wife. she’s lying in a ditch somewhere now

  20. Sarah says:

    I read about Toby before…. it just serves to further prove many people in this world are ignorant idiots. Maybe we could do a “Save Peter” marathon citing that unless people start donating money to our cause, Peter will be ritually sacrificed on the eve of the summer soltice…..

  21. Mustard Seed says:

    peter is hott

  22. Roger says:

    Looks like pig hoofs on the barbie as well…is this worse than tripe?

  23. Maw?
    But it looks like….could it really be?…..but I swear it appears to be…..No way I’m eating that!

  24. Woody says:

    You’ll never guess what I had for lunch today. That’s right. Hog maw (pig stomach). It’s a traditional Pennsylvania Dutch dish that, if prepared correctly is simply to die for. And, no, you don’t simply fry it up on the barbie. You stuff it with a pork sausage and potato stuffing and bake it, slice it and devour. Most folks don’t actually eat the stomach lining itself as it is particularly chewy, tough and extremely elastic (as Karl found out). And BBQ sauce won’t fix that! :) Recipes can be found on the internet.

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