Kid in a Grocery Store

As I was going throught the checkout line at the grocery store yesterday, I realized that a neutral observer might be mistaken in assuming that I’m shopping for an 8-year old.

I sheepishly realized that my basket was loaded with cookies, mac ‘n’ cheese, Golden Crisp, frozen pizza – a veritable cornucopia of childish culinary delights. I squirmed with discomfort as the others in line looked down their noses at my pathetic basket of artificially sweetened foodstuffs. It was one of those times where being a 6’5″ giant filled me with sadness and shame – there was nowhere to hide or hang my head. Instead, I pretended to be engrossed with Us Weekly and their fine coverage of Britney’s pregnancy and the socio-economic ramifications therein.

At this point, I can choose to react one of two ways. I can realize that being ashamed of my own groceries might signal that a change of nutritional priorities is in line. Perhaps I will take this message to heart and shop next time at a natural foods store, stocking up on my supply of organic fruits, unsweetened juice, and wheat. Instead of gallantly strolling the cereal aisle, I would meekly peruse the barley and oat husks aisle, mumbling to myself in ineffectual tones. Of course, doing so would make me no better than the emaciated progressive elitists that frequent such establishments. I’m more of a red meat and Grain Belt Premium man, myself.

No, instead I have chosen to warmly embrace my deeply felt grocery desires and accept myself for the childish imbecile I am. Next time I’m at the store, and some stuffy grownup sneers at me when I pass by the Quaker Oat Squares and reach for the Coco Krispies, I’ll throw billiards balls at their head until they lose consciousness. As the police officers are escorting me to the squad car, I will repeatedly shout, “Don’t disrespect me!”

And everybody will nod their heads and thank me for my heroic actions.

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6 Responses to Kid in a Grocery Store

  1. Thom says:

    Thank you, Peter. Maybe I can now find the courage to get my groceries in the daylight hours, instead of waiting until the early dead hour of the morning when there are few shoppers to judge me.

  2. Marty says:

    Where would you get the billiards balls? I don’t think they sell those at grocery stores…

  3. Roger says:

    Maybe you could try matzah balls as a backup.

    My wife and I just spent $86 at the grocery store on Tuesday. I think
    half of it was junk food.

  4. Sarah says:

    I’ve found that shopping for junk food doesn’t draw nearly as much humiliating looks as egg fighting in the aisles– especially after telling the clean-up boy the eggs just popped out of their shells like on “Ghostbusters”, and that I distictly heard a voice saying “Zool” behind the freezer.

  5. peter says:

    Sarah: “Are you sure you’re using that thing correctly?”

    Venkman: “Well – I’m sure there are no animals in there.”

  6. scott says:

    that’s the beauty of super walmart…lead off by going to the sporting goods aisle to get the billiard balls, then take off to the grocery section and peruse until you find the products you want. GROCERY FREEDOM FOR ALL!

    i also find the checkout line full of pretentious bastards. that’s when i shake up the cans of red bull and open it in their faces.

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