The Most Miserable Post Ever

I have the day off today.

While I appreciate having a break, and I savored getting to sleep in a bit, I have a funny habit of turning these off days into a tiresome grind of backbreaking labor, depression, and flavorless gruel.

A day off in early May should really be a great opportunity to go outside, take a run, relax in the sunshine, and pet nearby dogs. Unfortunately, the temperature today in Minneapolis is in the low 40’s with a bitterly cold rain cascading down the streets of my neighborhood, washing all joy from the earth. I sit in the darkened basement of this house, listening to local bands destined for obscurity and futility, wearing a shirt that dates back to the mid-90’s. My fingernails are dirty, my glasses are smudged, and I am carrying the vague scent of milk. This is what happens to me when I don’t work.

Upstairs I have a laundry list of chores to complete, but at the moment I feel capable of little more than continuing the sustention of my life through Ho-Ho ingestion. Maybe later I’ll take on a more formidable task like cleaning the bathroom, paying bills or removing the colony of ticks from my scalp. For now, I can’t be bothered with such things. I’m busy enough hacking out this miserable tripe for you ingrates.

I know well how all of you love to come by here a couple times a week and mock me in my feeble attempts at happiness. You’re lucky I haven’t decided to turn this into one of those horrible, horseshit blogs where people whine about their love life or speculate on the emotional significance of college. Screw those blogs – their inane, narcissistic drivel is a waste of binary code. Who really wants to read that 4000-word manifesto about your awesome weekend? Does anybody in the real world truly desire to visit your blog to find out how great your friend Stacy from high school is? Of course not! People hate you. Suck it up, deal with it, and make your blog worth our time. Tell us about the unbridled majesty of powdered sugar or something. Come to think of it, that might be a good JLP post…

Well, that just about does it for post #231. Can’t say I enjoyed myself. Can’t say I feel any motivation to continue my raspy, labored breathing. Can’t say I won’t apply an unnecessary tourniquet to my left leg later this afternoon. This one’s been a treat for both of us.

Seriously though, how are you?

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10 Responses to The Most Miserable Post Ever

  1. peter says:

    Yeah I do, when the weather and my motivation cooperates.

  2. Christan says:

    If you apply an unnecessary tourniquet to your leg, it may make running more difficult in your near future.

    It might be fun to try running with the tourniquet on though…

  3. kevo says:

    I’m good Peter thanks for asking…

  4. Dennis says:

    I have found that wearing a tourniquet (unnecessarily or otherwise) can be quite a time-saver. For instance, when someone asks you how you are doing, you can just point to your tourniquet and frown surreptitiously. You are then free to walk away while they interpret your answer. People rarely ever bother me about such things anymore. In fact, people don’t really talk to me at all anymore.

    Does anybody want to do something tomorrow? I’m free.

  5. Chad says:

    The reason I asked if you is because I sit around watching tv pulling lint out of belly button. I’m impressed.

  6. kevin s. says:

    Why do you have the day off? What, is it Earth Day or something? Is there a holiday that schools don’t celebrate? Or is it “workshop” day? Gotta love workshop day. I always wondered what workshop my teachers attended. Was it the “how to suck without actually teaching anything” workshop?

    Bitter and lonely…

  7. i can smell the milk, and the apathy, from here.

    smells like home. or at least my parents’ basement circa 1996.

  8. sarah says:

    I think the ticks may be coming from petting the nearby dogs.
    My friend Stacy from high school actually wasn’t that great.

    Today I’m bitter, cynical, teary-eyed, giddy, tired, apathetic, with a touch of murderous psychosis -yet looking forward to going to church….. hey, I’m a woman. What did you expect???

    Thanks for asking though.

  9. Mustard Seed says:

    did someone say “randy moss”??!!!

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