P-Day

On Tuesday night, I finally mustered up the courage to ask the fair Bridgette for her dainty hand in marriage. I was incredibly nervous and excited to finally pop the question, after years of dreading the day I would have to propose to a girl. My heart was racing, my palms were clammy, and my mouth tasted faintly like taco salad, for reasons I cannot discern.

I was able to calm myself by visualizing the event. “What’s the worst that could happen?” I asked myself. As I saw it, the evening was going to play out one of the following ways:

-Bridgette would say ‘yes’, and we would cry and hug and laugh and snuggle and squat.

-Bridgette might say ‘no’, causing me to eviscerate myself before her very eyes in a failed effort to win her back out of sympathy and revulsion.

-Bridgette would say ‘yes’, but then accidentally punch me in the groin, causing me to keel over and vomit in agony. This would be a funny story that we would laugh about for years until realizing that it made me impotent, so we would decide to adopt, but an unlikely paperwork snafu results in our adopting a newborn walrus which we promptly harvest for it’s delicious meat.

-Bridgette would say ‘no’, citing her disdain for social studies, Star Wars, British bands, and tall men. In turn, I ask her what the hell she’s been doing with me for the last 14 months, to which she would reply that she thought I was actually comedian Steve Martin.

-Bridgette would say ‘yes’, and would cheer me on as I train for the All-Valley Karate tournament to take on Johnny and the Cobra Kai.

-Bridgette would say ‘no’ and be devoured alive by ravens.

-Bridgette would say ‘yes’, but as I am joyfully hugging her, I notice a small computer chip lodged in her back. Further inquiry on the matter would reveal that she is an android created to allow aliens from the Nebulon Sector to study human behavior. In response to this development, I would thrust the pole of an American flag through her temple, and her final transmission to her superintelligent creators would be my grim warning, “If you don’t like America, then move out.”

-Bridgette would say ‘no’, causing me to go on a troubling and unnatural binge of eating popcorn balls until I start uncontrollably blowing mud out my butt.

Turns out I was wrong about my guesses. We actually had a lovely night that I didn’t manage to ruin with my awfulness. Oh well, there’s still a wedding day I can completely mess up. There’s hope for me yet.

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18 Responses to P-Day

  1. _steve says:

    Peter! You lucky son of a bitch!! Congratulations!!! :D

    Will Welmore Mile be all of the official wedding music? I can imagine the bride walking down the aisle to “These the Presidents Be.”

  2. scott says:

    mosoltov! huzzah! all that stuff.

    i hope your stomach is preparring itself. i think the maw would be just an appetizer. :)

  3. Dana says:

    Congratulations Peter from the lot of us in Iowa! Good job! We will continue to pray for Bridgette! (oh, and you too! :)!)

  4. timmy says:

    Congrats! I think a meat more disgusting than maw awaits Peter; and we need look no further than this very blog for some, how shall we say, “delicious” ideas……chipmunks, 2000 lbs. of deli ham, dead cats, Pete Townsend…..lucky for us, Peter is a large man with an even larger stomach.

  5. peter says:

    Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

  6. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    Mmmmmm… dressed turducken.

    Or even better, dressed Lagobiselk…

  7. kathy says:

    Peter. Congrats! I’ll put my vote on the fermented soybeans.

  8. Adam says:

    Peter you forgot the scenario where Bridge says yest and Tam comes in with an uzzi and screaming “You will never take my roommate away from me!!!”

  9. Adam says:

    Peter you forgot the scenario where Bridge says yest and Tam comes in with an uzzi screaming “You will never take my roommate away from me!!!”

  10. alisa says:

    yay Peter! I liked the “dainty hand” part. ;)

    I want the girl verison of the story now please. Like HOW did you ask. WHERE did you ask. WHAT does the ring look like. All the important questions. ;)

  11. kevin s. says:

    Ever get wasted and ask a girl to marry you, then wake up the next day totally regretting the decision and wondering where she got that expensive ring, when you’re pretty sure you didn’t buy a ring, but then scan your credit card bills and realize that, in your drunken stupor, you had in fact purchased a very expensive ring, which seems utterly iprobable, but is right there in black and white, and also that your bride-to-be is substantially overweight, and irritates everyone you know, and you as well, now that you think of it, and you think it’s preposterous that she would have said yes, given your readily apparent lack of personal history, and you know that there’s going to have to be a heartbreakingly awkward conversation about reacquiring your ring, due to your inability to afford same, and your general indifference, if not outright malice, toward the ring’s recipient?

    But, yeah, congratulations Peter. Sigh… Another one of my friendships to toss in the “dead-so-far-as-I’m-concerned” pile.

  12. sarah says:

    Are you speaking from expereince Kev? :)

    Congrats Peter! All those viewings of the Neverending Story, and unicorn renderings really seem to have paid off for you.

    To really test the strength of your love, I think you should wear a robotic right arm at your wedding like Anakin Skywalker did in “Attack of the Clones”. If she doesn’t scream oo vomit you know it was truly meant to be.

  13. kevin s. says:

    Better yet, insist on a Star Wars themed wedding, where she is Leah and you are Han Solo… She should know that Star Wars is always the highest priority…

  14. Rachel says:

    Bridgette is a robot?

    Congratulations Peter and Bridgette!!!!!

  15. anonymous says:

    RUN BRIDGET RUN WHILE YOU STILL CAN!!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!! (j/k)

  16. scott says:

    Bridgette: Peter, I love you

    Peter: I know

    if bridgette is to dress like leia, she must where the golden bikini!

    kevin, is the annulment on your drunken engagement going to go through? i sure hope so.

  17. Uosdwis R. Jawoh says:

    Bridgette could be Leia, but I see Peter as more of a wampa ice creature!

  18. peter says:

    HAHAHAHAH!

    Very nice.

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