Ah, the newspaper. My oldest friend. Perhaps my only friend (I still don’t trust many of my so-called friends after they betrayed me in a Turkish prison back in ’38; the newspaper would never turn me over to the warden, no matter how many rubies he promised them) I love the newspaper, with his pictures, stories, and boxscores – he would never steal my girlfriend and then make out with her in front of my mother just to spite me, like every one of my friends has done. Seriously guys, my mom hates that.
Where was I? Ah yes, the newspaper. So inexpensive, yet bursting with loveliness like an old suitcase brimming with writhing maggots. The Metro/State section is probably a personal favorite. I enjoy the sordid tales of legislative posturing, liquor store holdups, and infant baboons being put to the thresher for their insolence. The “A” section brings daily joy to me when I read about insurgents, the sports pages are great if I desperately need the latest WNBA standings, and Variety is particularly useful when mashed into a soggy pulp and mixed with my morning granola. And all for a measly 50 cents. Seriously, the only other worthy thing I could get for just 50 cents would be a dead rat on a popsicle stick from Billy Johnson from next door.
And so today, I salute the newspaper. Proud bringer of election polls and weather forecasts. Virtuous herald of Vikings minicamp updates and troubling features on eyebrow-worship. Bold harbinger of George Will articles. The newspaper has brought more pleasure into my life than ice cream and serpents combined.
Here’s to you, newspaper.
This was a pretty good entry, but like the newspaper, it didn’t have enough direct quotes from Christina Aguilera songs.
I was disappointed to find out that Adam’s newly minted relationship was only worthy of Page 6 coverage… If they’re not letting us in on the real news, then what’s the point?
I’d be careful if I was you. newspapers are notorious for making out with buyfriends and girlfriends alike- right in front of your face… and your mother’s. Dont’ you wonder why so many people have their heads buried in them?
As for the variety section, I count that as a personal favorite. The daily crossword puzzle serves a reminder of how flawed the American educational system is and how ignorant I turned out to be. Then I read my horoscope to find that I will have my revenge and inherit a billion dollars from a rich Arab who wants a mail order bride, before finally immersing myself in the comics and conveniently chuckle as coworkers walk by.
The metro section enlightens me to the fact there are people out there already exacting revenge on the educational system with guns and bomb threats. If that doesn’t cheer me out of depression’s abyss, I scan the obituaries and weather forcast.
My favorite part of the paper is Family Circus. Those lovable rapscallions are always finding new things to wonder about.
Billy: Daddy, why is the sky blue?
Dad: Cause I’m about to hit you with my belt!
Family Circus is Good, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Fred Basset!
Did you see the one where he dug a hole in the gardern? Priceless!!
I strongly advise you all to join the Fred Basset Fan Club (or the FBFC as it is known on the street)
Family Circus is a good example of passing the buck. Those kids are constantly blaming one of their siblings for something going on. They’re learning the art of victimization too soon!
I see you wisely skipped the Editorials.