Filthy Thomas

A while back, Bridgette and I were visiting with her friends Lindsay and Dan, and their two-year old son Owen. After a while, it began to smell as if Owen had made a little stink-treat for all of us, and so Dan took him off to get changed. In his absence, Lindsay told the two of us that Owen was being potty trained, and he might have made a bit of a mess in his new Thomas the Tank Engine underoos. So chastened, I clenched my bottocks for the remainder of the evening, determined not to do likewise.

Owen came running back out a few minutes later, no worse for wear. He continued to be rambunctious and chatty. He came over to us to show us his new toy truck. As he was driving the truck around the table, he made a proud declaration, “I pooped on Thomas.”

He pooped on Thomas. So simple, yet so wonderfully profound.

If you think about it, we’ve all pooped on Thomas. Oh sure, maybe we haven’t actually defecated onto the actual image of Thomas, but in our hearts we’ve all done so. I can’t remember how many times I’ve imagined pooping on one Thomas or another. Maybe our Thomas is racism. Have you pooped on racism? Don’t lie to yourself now, because you most certainly have.

Maybe you pooped on Thomas when you’re caught in traffic and stressed out. Maybe you let out a massive, light brown dump on Thomas’ face the last time you paged through a Victoria’s Secret catalogue. I don’t know. All I know is that Thomas is covered head-to-toe with rancid, pulsating piles of our filthy dung, and we don’t blink twice about it anymore.

I’m not trying to make all of you feel guilty. We’ve got enough in our lives that already does. I’m just trying to help all of us to take note of Thomas’ plight. We have to stop pooping on him. Seriously. Whether the poop is physical or metaphorical, loose or compacted, healthy or riddled with corn, it has to stop. Search your own heart for how you poop on him each day, and instead of doing that, shake Thomas’ hand or buy him a nice gift certificate or something.

Please people. Thomas can’t hold out much longer. Do the right thing. Put your poop in the toilet, where it belongs.

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7 Responses to Filthy Thomas

  1. Wugmanmax says:

    Is this post available on audiobook? Or at least Mp3? I need my 2 year old son to hear this message, but I can’t be bothered to actually read it to him or anything that may require effort on my part.

  2. Poop Sickle says:


    I like pooping on thomas, and smearing it on the walls of my home. Sometimes I like to take a nice fresh log and run it down the railing in my stairwell. The look on peoples faces when the realize that they just got steamy moist feces on their hand is priceless.

  3. Wugmanmax: You might like to give Over The Rhine’s Poopsmith song a try. [I’m really not kidding.]

  4. Chad says:

    Hey, thanks for the story. Very timely, since my 2yo is in potty boot camp as speak. He pooped on Spongebob.

  5. Thom says:

    Thanks for making a stand, Peter.

  6. Roger says:

    I can poop on Thomas. He and I go way back. All the way back to the end of that saggy protrusion called my “backside”.

    I’m a Doubly Doubting Thomas.

  7. Peter,

    Thanks for making me laugh so hard I spewed chicken strips and fries all over me keyboard.

    Ass.

    Later,

    Chris (from L.C.)

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