Let me tell you folks a tale about this man:
Bob Shulze is his name, and collecting massive piles of crap in his backyard is his game.
From today’s Minneapolis Star Tribune
Man, 88, Jailed Over Messy Backyard
Robert (Jack) Schulze Jr., 54, helped clean up his father’s back yard in South St. Paul. His father, Robert G. Schulze, 88, was jailed when he failed to comply with a city order to clean the trash.
Under the beating rays of the afternoon sun, Ken Sederstrom and his 18-year-old son Thomas sifted through 60 years’ worth of trinkets and trash in the South St. Paul back yard of a stubborn old man who never threw anything away.
Old car parts. Boxes of decades-old empty beer bottles. Random planks of wood.
It all has to go before 88-year-old Robert George Schulze can come home from Dakota County jail, where he has been held since Tuesday. His back yard was just too messy.
The city of South St. Paul had received complaints from neighbors since before 1992 about the junky yard. Letters from the city turned into notices, then to visits from city inspectors, then to fines and finally to court action.
Dakota County District Judge Leslie Metzen gave Schulze 30 days to clean up, threatening him with jail time if that didn’t happen.
It didn’t happen.
When he showed up at court Tuesday, he was taken to jail for 30 days — or until his yard is cleaned up.
“I was stunned,” said his 84-year-old wife, Mary, who said she has received more than 70 phone calls from strangers offering to help clear the yard and bring Robert Schulze back to his home on Warburton Street.
Robert Schulze takes 12 pills a day for his heart problems, and eats very little, but he loves milk.
Mary Schulze spoke to her husband through the glass in the visitors room at the jail, and the stoic veteran told her his fellow inmates had taken him under their wings after they saw how skinny he was in the shower.
“The young fellows in there are treating him with kindness, because they feel so sorry for him,” she said, bragging that her husband traded an apple with an inmate for some extra milk.
Her husband dabbles in carpentry, and he likes collecting things.
Mary Schulze admitted the back yard was messy. Her husband had shooed away both city inspectors and cleanup crews the city had offered him. He wanted to do it himself.
“He’s a stubborn German, you know?” Jack Schulze said. “Dad’s dad.”
Talk about taking a massive dump!
Wait a minute…was that a pun? I initially thought it was, but now that I think about it, it’s just dumb. How about this: Looks like this time the junk yard dog is the one eating it’s own poop!
Damn it! Again, no pun. That didn’t even make any sense. Why are these so hard today? Okay, I’ve just got to keep on trying…
-This old man’s milk-ridden feces led him all the way to jail!
-That’s the last time Bob Shulze relieves himself in front of his neighbors!
-Looks like his milk spoiled, causing him to vomit junk onto his lawn!
-No use going to jail over spilt milk or contempt of court!
-Too much junk in his trunk, now this man’s taking his dumps in county jail!
I don’t know, I give up. I fricking hate puns anyway…